The new NSTeens video, “Attitude Overdrive,” has corresponding Intermediate and Middle School Activity Cards that can be used by educators, counselors, and parents. Click to view the activity card for Intermediate School and Middle School.  To view the video “Attitude Overdrive” or other NSTeens videos go to NSTeens.org.

Help to make your child’s experience on the internet a positive one by educating yourself first!  Download the following useful tools from the Family Online Safety Institute.

• The parents’ child protection guide for the internet

Good advice for all parents

• Children’s bill of rights for the internet

A colourful poster designed to be printed out and displayed right next to your child’s computer to remind them that they have a right to be safe!

• The family online internet safety contract

This is a terrific way to start a conversation with your children and help them to keep themselves safe.

Developed by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, the Online Gaming Parent Tip Sheet gives you quick and simple tips for guiding your child as they explore the world of online gaming.  This handy tip sheet can be downloaded and posted next to the computer to remind both you and your child how to make their online gaming experience fun and safer.  Click on the link below to go to the Tip Sheet.

gaming_getgamesmart

NSTeens Activity Cards – Terrible Text

Some teens say and do terrible things to each other online because they don’t see the direct effects of their actions. You can help address cyber bullying by using the NSTeens Activity Cards.  The Activity Cards are 20-30 minute Internet safety lessons that engage students in discussion, collaborative learning, hands on activities, and reflection. The NSTeens video, “Terrible Text,” has corresponding Intermediate and Middle School Activity Cards that can be used by educators, counselors, and parents Visit nsteens cyberbullying video to check them out!

Technology can be a boon for struggling readers and students with different learning styles. Here’s a look at how computers are helping one Virginia third grader, and how her family is preparing for the wired world ahead.  

Caroline, a third grader in Alexandria, Virginia, struggles with reading comprehension and spelling. Although she’s strong in other subjects, she reads below grade level, shows signs of dyslexia, and her handwriting skills lag behind those of her classmates.

At the end of second grade, during a meeting to set Caroline’s Individual Education Plan (IEP)-which outlines the learning goals and approach for students who receive special services-one of her teachers suggested that she start using a computer to improve her reading comprehension, spelling and grammar.

“She turned to us and said, ‘Since she’s learning typing next year, let’s incorporate that into the IEP next year,’” says Marie. “We had no idea that third graders would start to learn typing.”

Typing class is part of the school district’s formal technology integration plan, designed to introduce students to the technology they will likely need as adults-and it set Caroline and her family on their own version of a technology integration plan.

Since starting third grade, Caroline has been using Microsoft Word to do her homework. She uses it with the auto-correction function turned off, so misspelled words are highlighted and underlined, but not automatically fixed. When she finishes a thought or paragraph, she can go back and look at the words she misspelled, and focus on those.

She practices for spelling tests by typing in her spelling words and then checking to see which are underlined with the familiar red squiggle indicating a misspelling.

“I think it’s a good idea, partly because she learns in a visual fashion; if she can see it or hear it, it’s mentally digestible, especially with abstract concepts like decoding words. Having it represented on a screen will speed up the process,” says Edward, who knows his daughter’s struggles first-hand: he labored for years with what he suspects is undiagnosed dyslexia.

Like many students, Caroline’s reading delays have taken a toll on her confidence. “She constantly compares herself with her friends and finds herself lacking, saying things like, ‘Amanda’s the smartest girl in class because she can read a chapter book.’ She never compares herself to anyone in math class, never worries about science or social studies or math because she’s succeeding in them,” says Marie.

Marie and Edward think that e-mail-the next stop on their technology journey-could help. “We’re looking for more opportunities to have a clear incentive to read, and a message from a friend or her grandparents seems like a good reward for doing the work,” says Edward.

Safety Considerations

Now that they’ve opened the door to computers and technology, Caroline’s parents are exploring ways to help her stay safer online. They’ve already begun talking about whether she should have her own email address, rather than use her Mom’s-she’s not pushing for her own yet, because few of her friends have email accounts-and whether to tell her that they’ll read her messages.

For now, Caroline doesn’t have a wireless phone, but when she reaches middle school, they may get her one so they can coordinate rides to and from school and activities. They’re already looking into renewing their plan as a family plan, to add a line for Caroline.

In fact, Edward and Marie are beginning to have a whole series of discussions about keeping Caroline safer online.  They let us sit in on one of their talks-see the accompanying conversation [if on diff. page, please note].

Preparing for the Future: Edward and Marie’s Checklist [Can be in a box]

•         Slowly introduce new technologies to their children, and help familiarize them with the uses and risks
•         Talk with other parents about tech safety
•         Look into Web and email filters, and discuss each other’s philosophies about what and how to monitor online activities
•         Check out child-friendly search engines, such as KidsClick, a site used by librarians
•         Set up the free key logger program to track computer activity and record IMs
•         Keep the computer in the living room, where it’s visible, laptops are off limits to the kids
•         Wireless phones are like “walking computers”-explore family plans and phone feature controls, so that’s ready to go when Caroline needs a phone
•         Investigate supplemental parental control services for wireless phones, such as DisneyMobile, RADAR: Your Kids’ Mobile Watchdog, or Verizon’s Chaperone Service, to name just a few; these typically cost $10 a month and can limit and track activity

*To respect their daughter’s privacy, they asked to use only their middle names.

 ————

How Much, and How Soon? A Parents’ Discussion

Edward and Marie let us sit in as they discussed their technology safety plan and approach as their third grader, Caroline, begins to use computers.

Marie: We should sit down with Caroline and teach her about search engines and how to do safer searches. We’ve also got to bookmark the sites she uses so she can go there without hitting any strange sites. And we need filtering software. Wow. She’s growing up fast.

Edward: There are points of vulnerability in things I never even dreamt of, like the X Box and PlayStation where you have the ability to chat with other people, and the small hand-held gaming devices like GameBoy that have WiFi and texting built in. Adults have used those to approach kids, which blew my mind. I never would have thought of that. How do you begin to get a handle on that without taking it away?

Marie: We’ve got to find a balance between liberty and control. No one thing is going to be enough; we need a combination of approaches and it’s still not going to be foolproof.

Edward: With e-mail, one option is to create a sub-account and actually set it to upload her emails on our Outlook, so if there’s any activity it’ll show up on our Outlook. Do we tell her that it’s showing up on our e-mail accounts or do we keep it quiet? Marie’s in the camp of “tell her.”

Marie: I don’t want to start with deception, she’s going to rebel against us sometime…

Edward: So we could set up the account but not the auto-preview to us, and if we have suspicions, we activate that.

Marie: And she can have her own password but if she changes it without telling us, the account gets shut down. We’ll check it, probably daily, and if we see anything that seems uncomfortable or deceptive, we’ll address it. 

Edward: For IM and the Web, I found a keystroke logger software for parents who want to make sure their kids aren’t IMing in inappropriate ways. It’s a background stealth program that saves IMs as a text file and sends it to you. That’s more extreme, but if we’re getting worried about things outside email, it’s an option. Trust but verify.

Marie:  It’s one of these things where, e-mail: no problem, that’s easy to control, but she’s going to find out about IM, Facebook all these things. So do I open the door slowly so she sees it and gets comfortable and builds up a relationship of trust with me, or pretend it doesn’t exist?

Edward: Since we have WiFi at home, we can run the key logger program on the family computer and have it send data to another computer-that way, we can log on from wherever and check the files, even from the office.

Marie: I have no problem with the keystroke logger running and not telling the kids, but I do have a problem with uploading her email to ours.

Edward: Yeah, I see the difference there, but I think we need to install the keystroke program. I’ll show you how to log on remotely.

Marie: (laughs) So I can find out where you’re surfing now too!

Edward: (laughs) Prepare to be very bored. 

 ————

“I have encountered several students with Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) that grant the student the right to use a word processing program for their writing assignments. This is an accommodation that can help address issues such as handwriting legibility, speed of writing, or other fine motor skill deficits.

I have two classroom computers (both about 10 years old), and my students frequently ask to use the computers to type papers, check email, surf or play games. For students who have limited motivation to complete class assignments, the computer can be good reward for completing assignments quickly and thoroughly.

Any time a student requests permission to use a computer, we specifically discuss the task they intend to complete. This makes it easier for me to monitor their safety, as I can walk by them and see if the content on the monitor reflects this stated purpose.”

– 

John Staubitz is a special education teacher in Santa Monica California, who teaches a “Special Day Class” for students with emotional or behavioral disorders. He has worked with students in grades 3 through 12. 

by Nancy Willard

When the Internet exploded into public use in the late 1990s, the initial concerns of youth Internet use were generally focused on three issues: privacy, pornography, and predators. Strategies were developed in good faith to address these concerns. Today’s virtual world is increasingly interactive and we know more about youth risk online. Based on my work with schools and review of research literature, I have suggestions for adults to update our approach to Internet safety at home and at school.

What is Web 2.0?

Web 1.0 was largely one-directional Internet use-Web as an information source. In the Web 2.0 environment, the emphasis is on publication and participation. All users can easily post information online and interact with others. Web 2.0 is also highly mobile, shifting from desktop computers to personal digital devices, wireless phones, and even hand-held games.

Web 2.0 it brings with it incredible opportunities for interactive learning and educational activities-along with some new risk management concerns.   Web 2.0 safety strategies should empower young people, giving them knowledge of the risks together with effective ways to prevent unsafe situations, and to detect and respond to them if they arise.

Responding to a Complex and Interactive World

For younger children, it is important to provide protected online environments, but teens need practical messages that reflect their realities. Here are some strategies to help teens become Web 2.0 savvy.

Avoiding Fear-Based Tactics

Some common messages delivered to teens are: “Online strangers are dangerous and will try to deceive you.” “If you meet in person with an online stranger, this person will try to harm you.” “If you provide personal information online, a stranger who wants to harm you will use this information to track you down.”

The reality is that “stranger-danger” warnings and fear-based prevention approaches are not likely to be effective with teens.  Sexual solicitation can occur without posting personal contact information.  Furthermore, teens know many adults do not understand the Internet-which makes teens likely to dismiss “online stranger danger” messages as evidence that adults fear what they do not understand.

Teens’ widening social web. Teens will have increasing engagement with online strangers, just as they are always meeting new people in the real world. The reality is that sometimes teens will want to meet in-person with someone they have first met online-for example, a friend of a friend. Teens must learn how to assess the safety of someone met online by closely reviewing their profile, postings, and friends.  They must know how to arrange for a safe meeting in a public place with a trustworthy friend or parent nearby.

Teens with a history of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and who take other risks on- and off-line are particularly at risk for entering into inappropriate sexual relationships with people they meet online. Boys who are gay or questioning are also at increased risk. Teens who post sexy pictures online or talk with online strangers about sex are clearly at risk.

All teens should know to watch out for anyone – adult or teen, stranger or not – who appears to be trying to manipulate them by offering excessive complements, gifts, or opportunities, or wanting to establish a “special” relationship.

Understanding Personal Disclosure

A common safety message is: “Don’t post personal information online.”

While this is an important message for younger children, teens may legitimately ask: “How do I register on a site? How do I purchase something on iTunes or eBay without providing my name and address? How can I have fun on MySpace without sharing information about who I am? I have a private login, so is it okay to post pictures of myself on the beach?”

Many teens appear to have limited understanding of potential harm or damage from inappropriate information disclosure. Given that a major part of social networking is sharing information about who you are online, teens need greater guidance on how to manage various kinds of personal information. This includes certain personal contact, financial, intimate or reputation-damaging material, and information about others.

It’s important to convey the message that anything put into electronic form and sent or posted can easily become very public and very permanent. Teens should understand that while they should use privacy protection features of social networking sites, the material they post is still not entirely private because their “friends” have access to it. Further, they should learn to read and interpret privacy policies and recognize when market profilers are seeking personal information.

Encouraging Communication

Another standard Internet safety message is: “If you feel uncomfortable about something that happens online, tell an adult.”

While this is important advice, teens are much less likely to tell adults about online concerns if they think adults may not know what to do or are likely to overreact, blame them or restrict their online access. It is essential that we do a better job of educating adults-especially parents and teachers-to effectively respond to online concerns. We can also equip and engage teens themselves as effective peer mentors (see below).

Curbing Addictive Access

Addictive access is an excessive amount of time spent using the Internet resulting in a lack of healthy engagement in other areas of life. Social networking sites can be very addictive for some teens. For others, social networking is simply an extension of their active social lives. Online gaming sites and multiplayer role-playing games can be highly addictive, in part because leaving the game can result in letting your online “team” down. Addictive access is likely a significant new cause of poor school performance. Adults must help teens learn to keep their lives in balance.

Boosting Information Literacy

Anyone can post anything online. Some sites may try to influence the attitudes and behavior of others. People tend to judge the accuracy of information based on the appearance of the Web site, which can be deceiving. Assessing the accuracy of material online is an essential information-age skill.

Problem-Solving and Peer Leadership

Because teens are participating in online environments where there are frequently no adults present, it is our job to equip teens to engage in effective and responsible problem-solving to address cyberbullying and sexual harassment, accidental access to pornographic materials, and unsafe or dangerous online communities. Teens also need to learn about responsible online publishing, including attribution of source, respect for copyright, and respect for others when posting information online.

We can develop effective peer leadership by encouraging these savvy teens to provide assistance to their peers and report online concerns to adults.

Teens often learn best by role-playing. In discussions about online risks, provide scenarios about students who have gotten into risky or difficult situations or are engaging in risky, irresponsible, or illegal behavior.  Inspire students to problem-solve about how they would respond if a friend, peer, or even a stranger were at risk online-what would they advise? What would they do if this person appeared to be unwilling or unable to respond effectively to the risk?

Social Web Safety Tips for Teens

Be your own person. Don’t let friends or strangers pressure you to be someone you aren’t. And know your limits. You may be Net-savvy, but people and relationships change, and unexpected stuff can happen on the Internet.

Be nice online. Or at least treat people the way you’d want to be treated. People who are nasty and aggressive online are at greater risk of being bullied or harassed themselves. It’s a vicious cycle you really don’t want to get into.

Think about what you post. Sharing provocative photos or intimate details online, even in private emails, can cause you problems later on. Even people you consider friends can use this info against you, especially if they become ex-friends.  And don’t post photos or videos of others without their permission.

Read between the “lines.” It may be fun to check out new people for friendship or romance, but be aware that, while some people are nice, others act nice because they’re trying to get something. Flattering or supportive messages may be more about manipulation than friendship or romance.

Don’t talk about sex with strangers. Be cautious when communicating with people you don’t know in person, especially if the conversation starts to be about sex or physical details. Don’t lead them on — you don’t want to be the target of a predator’s grooming. If they persist, call your local police or contact CyberTipline.com.

Avoid in-person meetings. The only way someone can physically harm you is if you’re both in the same location, so to be 100 percent safe, don’t meet them in person. If you really have to get together with someone you “met” online, don’t go alone. Have the meeting in a public place, tell a parent or some other solid backup, and bring some friends along.

Be smart when using a wireless phone. All the same tips apply with phones as with computers-except that phones are with you wherever you are, often away from home and your usual support systems. Be careful whom you give your number to and how you use GPS and other technologies that can pinpoint your physical location.

Source:  www.ConnectSafely.org

—–

Nancy E. Willard is a former special education teacher and a lawyer who focuses on youth risk online and advises schools about the safety, legal, and ethical issues related to Internet use. She is the author of two books on Internet safety and cyberbullying prevention. She directs the Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use: http://csriu.org.

by Scott Knight

As parents of a nine-year-old daughter, the computer and Internet are quickly becoming the place to “hang out.”  With our high-speed Internet connection at home, the Internet is readily available. We are finding that certain homework from school requires the use of the computer and the Internet in order to complete assignments.

Our daughter also comes home asking about how to get on certain Websites like Barbie.com, and Webkinz because her friends were talking about it and how “awesome and cool” they are.

Most recently, it’s YouTube and checking out the latest songs and videos from High School Musical, watching the cute boys and discovering who they like and so on.

The learning curve for this stuff is challenging to keep up with. I believe it is important for kids to be familiar with technology and how to use it in a positive way. However, I also feel very strongly about minimizing the potential for clicking around on inappropriate Websites.  The vulgar language and suggestive sexual videos are like a magnet for kids if they do not have structure or guidelines when using the Internet. The explicit sex sites are extremely easy to find and get onto.

Understanding the Rules

Our first rule is to not have the computer with Internet access in a secluded room. We monitor our daughter’s activity when she is using the Internet.  No passing the buck here.  Kids need to understand what is appropriate and what is not and why-which is sometimes the hardest part for a parent to explain.

What is acceptable to Mom and Dad is likely to be what trickles down to the kids.  Our daughter has learned that videos with swear words are inappropriate.  We have discussed her watching videos on YouTube, and if we catch her listening to songs with swear words, the computer is immediately off limits for a period of time (usually days).

We block certain addresses; we tell our daughter that we’ve blocked them and discuss why she should not go there.  I believe this will help her to make better decisions when she is not supervised.

We also set a time limit for fun or play on the computer, typically 30 minutes per day. Schoolwork is the exception, and one of us is there watching and helping as needed.

Blogs and chat rooms are off limits. I am just discovering them myself and have found that there are the unscrupulous characters who will type just about anything.  At this point, I’m not convinced that our daughter has the skills to handle some of this stuff.  She is just beginning to grasp that not everyone is good or has good intentions. So we choose to expose her as slowly as we can to help and guide her on who and what is good, bad, etc.  This is where we get cautious with the Internet.  When it comes to conversing online-adults go at your own risk, but not your kids.

Positive Reinforcement

There are plenty of places you do not want your child to go on the Internet, so when we find fun, intriguing, safe Websites that are kid-friendly, we encourage those by rewarding our daughter with extra time on those sites.

Our daughter is at the age where she is testing her limits every day in some fashion.  So we try to reward appropriate behavior-online and in the real world-with positive responses, including extra time on the computer. This seems to work quite well most of the time, since the new computer is in high demand in our family.

Praise for doing creative things and staying off unacceptable Websites goes a long way.

Offline “Practice”

We feel fortunate that our daughter enjoys creating things on the computer during her fun time.  She uses programs like Apple’s GarageBand to create your own music with rhythms and melodies. It’s amazingly cool, and simple to use. With Keynote, another Apple program, you can create slide shows by adding pictures, text and fun colorful graphics, all on preset formats that are simple to work with.

These are great because they are educational, recreational and non Internet-based.

Our daughter learned about them at school and she can apply what she learns at home.  This is really nice because Mom and Dad do not have to spend time learning and then teaching the program. I have no problem letting my daughter spend her time with these and we try hard to reward this kind of activity.

—-

Scott Knight lives in Bloomington, Minnesota with his wife and 9-year-old daughter.

Nancy Willard, this issue’s From the Experts columnist, has some ideas for schools as they develop and adapt safety strategies to address “Web 2.0.” At minimum, she says, school strategies should include:

• Clear parameters for use of computers in schools for schoolwork and education activities, including independent educational study.

• Well-prepared teachers who can lead high-quality exciting Internet-based learning activities, keeping students on-task while on the computer. This will minimize problems.

• Effective supervision and monitoring-staff should periodically and randomly request to see student history files as they are walking throughout the lab. There should be expanded use of technical monitoring tools, such as real-time remote-access monitoring tools.

• Meaningful consequences for misuse of the Internet.
   
• In case of accidental access to inappropriate content, all students and staff must know that if inappropriate material appears, they should quickly turn off the monitor and report the problem. Following any incident, there must be a responsible assessment of culpability, with the assumption that it could have been an accident.

• Filter overrides: The district must establish a process to quickly override Internet filter software to provide staff or students with access to sites that have been inappropriately blocked for instructional purposes-this is required by the Children’s Internet Protection Act (http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/cipa.html). Safe school personnel should be able to immediately gain access to material on any site to assess student and school safety!

• Special access to sites on health and well-being-including sex education sites and quality medical and social information for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender teens-is often blocked by filters, districts should ensure access to these sites. Internet safety and responsible use education should be provided to students and parents, as well as all staff members.

Health educators or counselors should work with librarians and educational technology staff to create and provide an integrated curriculum.

Selected Questions for Teachers

Here are some questions that school staff can discuss to assess and improve the manner in which they are addressing these issues in their building:

•          Are your safe school staff and those with expertise in educational technology working together to address youth risk online issues?
•          Do students and staff at your school effectively focus on appropriate educational uses of the Internet?
•          If students are using the Internet for entertainment activities, what are the circumstances that are contributing to this and how can this concern be addressed?
•          How well prepared are your teachers to effectively provide high quality instruction using the Internet? (In appropriate subject areas.)
•          What additional resources – professional development, technical – are necessary to improve Internet-related instruction?
•          Have you installed technical monitoring systems in all computer labs?
•          Are there concerns that need to be addressed related to student Internet use when substitutes are in the classroom?
•          How effectively is your school providing Internet safety and responsible use instruction to (1) students, (2) parents, and (3) teachers?
•          What specific Internet risk concerns are impacting your school community (e.g., cyberbullying, online gangs, risky sexual behavior, addiction, plagiarism) and what initiatives are necessary to address these concerns?
•          Is the district Internet use policy up-to-date?

For More Information

There are a lot of great sites out there to help schools tackle Web 2.0 interactivity-with great ideas for curriculum and lesson planning as well as safety and use policies. Here are just a few:

• Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use: http://csriu.org
• Connect Safely: http://connectsafely.org/
• NetSmartz Workshop Educators Page: http://www.netsmartz.org/educators.htm

Alex T., 14, is a ninth grader in Los Angeles. He began playing World of Warcraft online when he was in eighth grade. Concerned that it was becoming his main interest-outpacing physical activity, homework and time with friends-his parents first tried to limit his gaming to weekends, and then decided to take it away altogether. Here’s what he says about his experience.

So Alex, I understand you were playing World of Warcraft? Can you tell me about it and how it works?

World of Warcraft is this massive, multi-role playing game. You’re on servers with thousands of people and you interact and play. There are sides you choose, and races and classes within the races. You customize your character-like how it looks, whether you are a member of the Horde or Alliance, and you name it and give it a level.

Is there a lot of interaction with other players?

There are 70 levels, when you get to level 70 you do things called raids, which are like 10 to 25 people and you kill world bosses and stuff, or another thing called “player versus player,” where you go into different battle grounds and if you’re Horde you face against the Alliance and fight them.

There are different chat channels so can privately message another player. You can also invite people into a party. There are up to 40 people in a raid or your guild, and you can speak within your guild or with whomever you want.

Also, there’s this thing that most people use when there are 25 people in a group or a battle ground with other people you know. It’s called Ventrilo and it’s kind of like Skype-you can speak directly to people over the computer so you don’t have to type while you’re playing. I used it sometimes, I guess, when I did raids and stuff.

Did you know the players in real life?

My stepbrother played for a little while, and so did people I knew from school. But you don’t always end up with the people you know because there are 150 different realms. In my realm, I only knew one other person, one of my friends.

Were there every any uncomfortable interactions?

No, not for me. People who play the game are kind of nerdy. [Laughs] They usually don’t want to talk to you, they just want to focus on the game. Most people, unless you’re spoken to, you don’t usually talk.

Did you spend a lot of time playing it online?

It was crazy. I spent lots of time playing it. For a while, it was really addicting but then after a while I kind of lost interest.  My parents made me stop playing, but I was basically done by then anyway.

Why did they make you stop playing?

It didn’t really make sense. I was getting really good grades and still doing everything-football and hanging out with my friends and stuff.

I played from eighth grade to the beginning of ninth grade. I had straight As until I got a B in the last semester. When I go to this new school, which is like crazy hard, my grades went down a bit. But now I’m getting them back up again.

Did you feel like it was addictive?

That was really the first video game I liked, something about it was really awesome. You lose track of time, kind of. An hour feels like 20 minutes. It’s weird.

I am a procrastinator in general, so I’d save [homework and assignments] for the last minute and do them at the end. But even when I played, what I had to do was in the back of my mind the whole time.  Sometimes, I didn’t do things exactly thoroughly, so I’d have more time to play or be online.

Do you have rules or limits for the amount of time you spend online?

For Warcraft I did. I couldn’t play during the week at all, and couldn’t play Sundays. I had limited times on Fridays and Saturdays.  Not really for the Web. I use the Internet for school and for fun, and they don’t really time that as much.

What else do you do online? Do you email?

No, mostly iChat and use Facebook. I listen to a lot of music and download songs.

Do your friends or classmates play e-games a lot?

Yeah, when I heard about other people, me compared to them I barely played at all. Some kids spend their whole day doing that, and nothing but. Most of my friends don’t play video games so much, but some kids in my class talk about and I overhear how much they’re playing.
—–

(more…)

Julie, you mentioned that there was a severe cyberbullying case that stood out in your work as a school therapist. Can you tell us about it and what we can learn from it?

I worked with a twelfth grader who was bullied in seventh, eighth and ninth grades to such a degree that she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She had some issues before the bullying, including anxiety, but the bullying tipped her over the edge. When she came to my school, she was showing signs of social phobia.

This student was getting harassed via cell phone calls, texts and instant messages, and rumors were posted about her on MySpace and Xanga. It was nonstop. 

In the old days of messages on the bathroom wall, teachers could see the anger and venom and paint over them-cyberbullying is something that follows teens. It is like an invisible force that can pop up at any time, anywhere.

Checking their Websites, texts and IMs can become a masochistic thing that teens do to themselves, hoping it will change somehow. Parents and adults must intervene-because how many kids can exert the kind of self-restraint it takes to not check what others are doing/saying about them?

What are the best ways to respond to bullying, and how did it work for this student?

We had to start from scratch: identifying feelings, learning how to talk about what was really going on and doing hard work on how to let go of the pain of her middle school years.

Responses to bullying generally break down into three approaches: mediation with adults, standing up or blocking the aggressor.  The high school senior tried the latter extremes. Standing up to the bullies backfired. I worked with her to help her come up with a decision that she ultimately chose for herself: she decided to let go of these relationships and start over. Instead of letting others control her self-image, she was able-with the help of adults-to cut all ties. It was extremely hard.

Now, she’s an adult and in college. She’s one of the healthiest people I know. She has had years of therapy and medication, and has come through it a very self-aware and hard working young lady. She knows she can get through crises.  She was in favor of her story being told for purposes of helping others.

We’ve had other situations at the school where the staff didn’t know about the bullying until it was very intense; and by then it became too late for mediation. One tenth-grade student changed schools, and we as staff felt terrible because she didn’t get to resolve the bullying. That will stay with her forever. It was a huge lesson for the school; there is now more focus on awareness and prevention.

How can parents and schools intervene with bullies?

First, there must be compassion for these bullies. They are hurting and feel the need to hurt back. They need structure, guidance and swift consequences with plans for concrete changes. Therapeutic intervention may be needed to work with bully and victim respectively.  

Parents/guardians and schools can take away or restrict all luxury items that are used in bullying-for example, limiting computer usage to schoolwork (monitored at school and at home) or curtailing wireless phone privileges. Depending on the child and the severity and intent to harm, bullies can be encouraged to send a sincere letter to the victim acknowledging responsibility, what it must feel like to be bullied and lessons learned. Restricted access to friends who are “accompanying bullies” would also be indicated for the bully.  These are the kids giving a bully power and encouragement, helping to promote a snowball effect.

I would want to see signs of some empathy or compassion before letting up on consequences.  Working with the bully to create a plan that demonstrates to parents/teachers that he/she “gets it” can work. This is the bully’s time for a “do-over” of sorts-although you can’t take away the scars left behind, you can move forward positively and work on building more positive, honest relationships in the future. Follow-through by adults is crucial.

Adults cannot intervene if they don’t know about it.  Think about it-as a parent/guardian, would you want to know if your son/daughter was bullying someone?  If the answer is “yes” then you also know that parents need to be more comfortable communicating with each other and teachers need to make the time to inform parents if they suspect more than just a casual conflict between students.

Tips and Tools:

• Be Aware of What Your Child is Doing on the Internet.  Some days it may just be research and homework. Extended hours probably mean something else.  Check in periodically with your child.  Spend a minute or two finding out who she’s chatting with online.
• Teach Empathy and Respect. Cyberbullying depersonalizes a situation, so we want to teach kids at a young age that words can and do have huge impact.
• Work Through Alternatives. We must offer reality checks and show teens how to change their actions: “This is wrong, but this is how you can do it differently, this is how you won’t get in trouble,” and  “Is this the message you’re trying to send?  If so, try it another way because this is what I’m getting from this.” 

  With a young child, if he throws a brush at me when I’ve asked him to bring it to me, I know to say, “That’s not okay. You go right back out of the room, bring it in and hand it to me correctly.” We need to do the same with teens. I am constantly asking my teenager to repeat what she has said so that I can hear the words without the disrespect attached.  It does work; she gets what she needs when she is able to be respectful and mature.

  Teaching how to listen and communicate at any age gives kids tools both to respond to cyberbullies and to deal with people they may want to bully.  Teaching kids to think before responding in life and online is key to stopping the snowball effect that gives cyberbullies their ammunition.
   

• Address the Situation Honestly.  Young teens learn best through seeing and interacting and role-playing, so we can use real-world moments to identify and reinforce good behaviors. 

  Do some self-checking of your own:  Do I openly gossip about others around my kids or students?  Do I bad-mouth others?  How forgiving of mistakes am I?  How in touch with my thoughts/feelings am I?  How much do I encourage honest, sincere interaction between and among myself and my family members?  Do we, as a family, speak with respect to each other?  Do I speak respectfully to my partner/spouse?  How do we resolve conflict?

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Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and four children.