Cyberbullying

Julie, you mentioned that there was a severe cyberbullying case that stood out in your work as a school therapist. Can you tell us about it and what we can learn from it?

I worked with a twelfth grader who was bullied in seventh, eighth and ninth grades to such a degree that she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She had some issues before the bullying, including anxiety, but the bullying tipped her over the edge. When she came to my school, she was showing signs of social phobia.

This student was getting harassed via cell phone calls, texts and instant messages, and rumors were posted about her on MySpace and Xanga. It was nonstop. 

In the old days of messages on the bathroom wall, teachers could see the anger and venom and paint over them-cyberbullying is something that follows teens. It is like an invisible force that can pop up at any time, anywhere.

Checking their Websites, texts and IMs can become a masochistic thing that teens do to themselves, hoping it will change somehow. Parents and adults must intervene-because how many kids can exert the kind of self-restraint it takes to not check what others are doing/saying about them?

What are the best ways to respond to bullying, and how did it work for this student?

We had to start from scratch: identifying feelings, learning how to talk about what was really going on and doing hard work on how to let go of the pain of her middle school years.

Responses to bullying generally break down into three approaches: mediation with adults, standing up or blocking the aggressor.  The high school senior tried the latter extremes. Standing up to the bullies backfired. I worked with her to help her come up with a decision that she ultimately chose for herself: she decided to let go of these relationships and start over. Instead of letting others control her self-image, she was able-with the help of adults-to cut all ties. It was extremely hard.

Now, she’s an adult and in college. She’s one of the healthiest people I know. She has had years of therapy and medication, and has come through it a very self-aware and hard working young lady. She knows she can get through crises.  She was in favor of her story being told for purposes of helping others.

We’ve had other situations at the school where the staff didn’t know about the bullying until it was very intense; and by then it became too late for mediation. One tenth-grade student changed schools, and we as staff felt terrible because she didn’t get to resolve the bullying. That will stay with her forever. It was a huge lesson for the school; there is now more focus on awareness and prevention.

How can parents and schools intervene with bullies?

First, there must be compassion for these bullies. They are hurting and feel the need to hurt back. They need structure, guidance and swift consequences with plans for concrete changes. Therapeutic intervention may be needed to work with bully and victim respectively.  

Parents/guardians and schools can take away or restrict all luxury items that are used in bullying-for example, limiting computer usage to schoolwork (monitored at school and at home) or curtailing wireless phone privileges. Depending on the child and the severity and intent to harm, bullies can be encouraged to send a sincere letter to the victim acknowledging responsibility, what it must feel like to be bullied and lessons learned. Restricted access to friends who are “accompanying bullies” would also be indicated for the bully.  These are the kids giving a bully power and encouragement, helping to promote a snowball effect.

I would want to see signs of some empathy or compassion before letting up on consequences.  Working with the bully to create a plan that demonstrates to parents/teachers that he/she “gets it” can work. This is the bully’s time for a “do-over” of sorts-although you can’t take away the scars left behind, you can move forward positively and work on building more positive, honest relationships in the future. Follow-through by adults is crucial.

Adults cannot intervene if they don’t know about it.  Think about it-as a parent/guardian, would you want to know if your son/daughter was bullying someone?  If the answer is “yes” then you also know that parents need to be more comfortable communicating with each other and teachers need to make the time to inform parents if they suspect more than just a casual conflict between students.

Tips and Tools:

• Be Aware of What Your Child is Doing on the Internet.  Some days it may just be research and homework. Extended hours probably mean something else.  Check in periodically with your child.  Spend a minute or two finding out who she’s chatting with online.
• Teach Empathy and Respect. Cyberbullying depersonalizes a situation, so we want to teach kids at a young age that words can and do have huge impact.
• Work Through Alternatives. We must offer reality checks and show teens how to change their actions: “This is wrong, but this is how you can do it differently, this is how you won’t get in trouble,” and  “Is this the message you’re trying to send?  If so, try it another way because this is what I’m getting from this.” 

  With a young child, if he throws a brush at me when I’ve asked him to bring it to me, I know to say, “That’s not okay. You go right back out of the room, bring it in and hand it to me correctly.” We need to do the same with teens. I am constantly asking my teenager to repeat what she has said so that I can hear the words without the disrespect attached.  It does work; she gets what she needs when she is able to be respectful and mature.

  Teaching how to listen and communicate at any age gives kids tools both to respond to cyberbullies and to deal with people they may want to bully.  Teaching kids to think before responding in life and online is key to stopping the snowball effect that gives cyberbullies their ammunition.
   

• Address the Situation Honestly.  Young teens learn best through seeing and interacting and role-playing, so we can use real-world moments to identify and reinforce good behaviors. 

  Do some self-checking of your own:  Do I openly gossip about others around my kids or students?  Do I bad-mouth others?  How forgiving of mistakes am I?  How in touch with my thoughts/feelings am I?  How much do I encourage honest, sincere interaction between and among myself and my family members?  Do we, as a family, speak with respect to each other?  Do I speak respectfully to my partner/spouse?  How do we resolve conflict?

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Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and four children.

by Anthony J. Varni  

Flashback to January 2005, when the Principal Advisory Committee of a small parochial school in central California faced an unfamiliar crisis among its seventh grade class. 

A new social networking site had become popular among many of the seventh grade students. There was an age limit of 14, but it was not enforced, so the 12-year-old seventh graders had no problem setting up their own pages on the site and sending messages back and forth, along with pictures and comments for everyone to see.

This new cyber-communication seemed innocent enough, until a couple of seventh grade girls posted nasty comments about one of their female classmates on the site.  Another student printed the messages and brought them onto the school campus and showed it to other classmates, who did not have access to the Website.

The student had been “cyberbullied,” although the term was so new that no one knew to use it.

The student targeted by the online harassment was hurt and depressed. She stayed home from school for days because she was convinced that everyone hated her and had seen the comments posted online. 

Parents Disagree

When they saw a copy of the print-out, the victim’s parents were shocked by the hurtful things written by the girls, who had been their daughter’s classmates since pre-school.

The parents of the “bullies,” the girls who posted the comments, felt that everything was blown out of proportion, that their daughters never intended for the victim to see the posts; they were just being normal girls who occasionally talk about other girls-that’s what girls do, right?

The Principal Advisory Committee was called to address the situation. I and the other parents and staff members on the committee all agreed that the incident was terrible, but we couldn’t agree about how to address the situation. Some of the members acknowledged that their children had their own pages on the Website, but they checked them regularly and found the site a good window into the thoughts and activities of their teens. Other members vowed that they would never allow their children access to such a social network.

All of them wondered what could be done at the school level, since most of the comments were written away from the campus, then printed and brought into school.

Missing a Teachable Moment

The principal tried to do the right thing-she brought the parties together to discuss the situation. She pointed out to the bullies that the comments were hurtful to the victim, but she had no idea how traumatic such an incident could be. She had nowhere to look for guidance on how to deal with the situation.

It was clearly an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. As word of the bullying spread among the entire school community through the very un-cyber parking lot network, the principal seemed to want everyone to hug and get over it, to get back to the way things were before cyberbullying was a problem for the school. She declared that all parties involved were partially responsible for the incident; they were all encouraged to apologize to each other.

It was an opportunity missed, in many ways, to really address the issue and educate students and parents/guardians. Luckily in this case, the class moved on to the eighth grade together, and many of the girls now attend the same local high school. Their relationships are not perfect, but they gained a better understanding of the promises and perils of cyber technology.

If I could go back with the knowledge I have now, I would have urged the Committee to develop a strategy to educate the students, teachers and parents/guardians about the seriousness of cyberbullying. I would want them to know that young people tend to be uninhibited when writing online, and can communicate more boldly than in person. And the young people reading comments online can interpret the words at an exaggerated level that can lead to severe anxiety, fear and depression.

What We Know Now

Fast forward to January 2008-just about every morning news program, talk show and newspaper is reporting the tragedy of a thirteen-year-old who committed suicide after a flurry of comments on a social networking site from a “cute boy,” who turned out to be an adult neighbor, the mother of a former friend.

Thousands of schools probably go through similar experiences-and many still face these crises in a vacuum, with very little guidance to manage the situation.

Fortunately, there are new tools that can help educate students, teachers and parents/guardians, explaining the seriousness and possible affects of cyberbullying.

One of them is Adina’s Deck, a 30-minute video about cyberbullying developed as part of a Master’s Thesis at Stanford University’s School of Education. 

There is a key moment in Adina’s Deck in which Adina talks about how she didn’t want to hurt the girl she said mean things about, and I believe that this was also the case at our school.

Every parent or guardian wants happiness and safety for their children, and a childhood free of harassment, in reality and in cyberspace.

Links:

Check out Adina’s Deck and the resources for parents/guardians, schools and students.

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Antony J. Varni lives in central California. He is the father of the actress who plays Adina in Adina’s Deck (two of his daughters are in the film). He notes that his daughters were not involved in the school incident, but his family was, and remains, friends with the parents involved on both sides of the incident he described above.

Students in Amy Lutes’ business computer classes at Hampshire High School in Hampshire, Illinois, shared their thoughts on technology and safety with bNetS@vvy. Here’s what a few students had to say, unedited. We hope these can spark discussions with the young people in your life.

I have used technology a lot in my life; it is what I base most of my information off of. From watching TV to always being on the computer it takes up most of my time. But without it most of society would be lost. 

MySpace has taken over teen lives and has led to a big breakthrough in technology. Technology will be around forever and is a big part of the world now.

- Connor M., high school freshman

Nowadays, kids seem to have many privileges. They all have cell phones and sit on the computer all day. Having their own phone is helpful for the parents. Kids can also call them in case of emergency or for whatever the problem is. It’s a way to help the parent know where their child is. Phones are safe as long as they know how to use them. But if they are giving out their phone number to random people, they could just be getting themselves into trouble.

Many parents worry that their children could be getting into trouble online. If they are chatting to people they do not know, they have a point. But with the computer programs we have, we can prevent that from happening. These programs keep hackers out and can prevent viruses from entering your computer. Many of these programs have parental controls so [parents] can limit the Websites their children are allowed to visit. They can be safe as long as the parents and teachers do something to prevent it.

- Juan M., high school senior

There was this one girl on MySpace from a school nearby who had problems on her account. She was only l4 years old and thought that no one could harm her on a Website. But there was this guy who wanted to know who she was and asked her to be his friend.   She accepted him and he looked through her MySpace page and found out all of her information.   Then he went to her house and luckily her parents were home because he was going to do something bad.  She was one of the lucky people.   Her parents told her to delete her MySpace or hide her information. I think parents and everybody should know the [dangers].

- Dylan N., high school freshman

There are many ways I am technology-safe. If I have a password for anything (computer, phone) I do not give it out. At school, in order to log on you need to put in your student ID. No one knows my student ID.   Another way I protect myself is by putting a lock on my phone. You cannot listen to my voicemail or read my texts unless you put the code in.

My main focus is staying safe on my computer. It is very easy for a predator to find out what you look like and where you live. … So I do not have a MySpace and I don’t let my friends post pictures or information about me on theirs. I think it is very stupid to put where you live out on the Internet. It is so unsafe and could lead to terrible things. Young people need to be made more aware of those things.

- Tia I., high school freshman

The Internet offers no privacy. MySpace  … is a fun Website that keeps friends in touch through comments, pictures and messages. Millions of people access Myspace every day, and while they think they’re safe with their personal email addresses, login and password, there are still those pesky Internet hackers that are able to break into your account and access personal information. Teens are getting kicked off their sports teams because of pictures and inappropriate material they have on their profiles. 

Be smart about what you put on the Internet, because you never know who is looking at what you have on there.                                  

- Ashley M., high school junior

Friends online [are not always] who they say; their brothers or sisters or even parents have talked to me. Also, there are people that I never even saw before who wanted to be my friend … but I knew that was not safe. My parents taught me never to talk to strangers so I would block them.

I knew this girl who decided to meet a 16-year-old guy who she thought was really cute and she was smart because she took her older brother with her and he ended up being an old weird guy. She was one of the lucky ones. But there are so many kids like her who need to be more careful when they are on the Internet. That’s why they should make a program to help younger children not talk to strangers even when they are on the Internet because they may feel close to them, but they still don’t personally know who they are talking to.

-Dollie B., high school freshman

Do not give out any personal information like passwords, home address and phone number. These can hurt a person’s life forever. You can have all the information on your computer stolen if you’re not careful enough.  One way to protect yourself from this is have your Internet set to max security. Another way is to set your wireless router security. Also, block sites that have cookies or pop-ups

- Michael K., high school freshman

• Tell an adult you trust if you’re cyberbullied
• Password protect your wireless phone
• Only share your passwords with your parent or guardian
• Ignore harassing or rude messages
• Use privacy settings to block unwanted messages
• Save or print the evidence
• Change your passwords often
• Think before posting or sending photos of yourself—they could be used to hurt you
• Respect yourself and others online

Some signs that a teen may be a victim of cyberbullying include:

• The student is emotionally upset during or after using the Internet at school.
• Withdrawal from friends and activities, school avoidance, decline of grades, and depression.
• In-school bullying, because online bullying frequently accompanies in-school bullying.

Source: Nancy Willard, Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use

Have you ever been on the computer and an unknown person emails or Instant messages you? You click out but they keep typing to you. You finally decide to type back, and the person threatens you or calls you names like “stupid” or says “Ha Ha, I got you!”? This is called cyberbullying and it happened to me!

I was curious and wanted to find out who this person was that was trying to email me, so when I typed back they pretended to be someone I knew, but after a few minutes, I realized that I didn’t know who this person was, but it was too late. I had opened the door to trouble! I think it was someone from my school, but I never found out for sure.

Meanwhile, I was really terrified at the things this person was sending to me.

Don’t think cyber bullying can’t happen to you, it could happen to anyone. People on the Internet can bully you in any kind of way. They can tease you, threaten you, or they’ll just put you down and make you sad.

Bullying doesn’t just happen on the computer. It can happen on your cell phone too. If a person sends you a text message, and they threaten you over the phone, that would also be considered cyberbullying.

Why do people cyberbully? Often, they don’t like themselves, they have problems at home, or they like the attention they get from bullying kids. Bullying is downright wrong, and we shouldn’t degrade each other like this.

Preventing Cyberbullying: My Advice to Other Teens
There are many ways to prevent cyber bullying, and I’m going to tell you right here and right now.

First, what not to do: Some kids just turn the computer off and don’t tell their parents. That is WRONG! If you are a teen and you are reading this, don’t be afraid to tell someone. You should always tell your parent or your guardian or a well-known family friend. Never keep a secret from an adult, especially if you are getting cyber bullied.

Here’s what you can do: Again, if someone tries to chat online with you and they threaten you, you should tell an adult immediately. Depending on what the person typed to you, they could be breaking the law.

Also:

• Do not give out personal information to anybody over the Internet even if you know who the person is. Information given can be passed on to other people. When you are on the Internet it is important not to tell the person your name, address, and phone number. Don’t put your birth date in your screen name.
• Don’t give out your cell phone number. Guard it as you would a secret from your best friend. Some people I know don’t give anyone except their very best friends their cell numbers. Parents can give their children cell phones without even telling their child what their phone number is. The parents only want the child to have a cell phone in case the child himself has to make an emergency call.

So please, remember what I’ve said….experience is sometimes the best teacher!

What If Your Friend is a Bully?
By Didrienne, 10 (with Nellie Bogar, Executive Director of Youth Village)

Nellie: Didrienne knows a bully personally, who is also a student at Youth Village. She and her friend “A,” had become very good friends over the years until Didrienne noticed that her friend was becoming increasingly hurtful when talking to and about other people. She decided to sit down and have a talk with her.

Didrienne told “A” that she was becoming more insensitive to other people and their problems and kind of a bully.

Didrienne: I told her that it’s not cool to laugh at or join the teasing or gossip. At first, “A” denied being a bully or picking on other people, but I didn’t give up. After a while, “A” began to open up and told me that she was being bullied.

Nellie: “A” is biracial and has a striking and unique appearance. Her light, olive-colored skin and giant bushel of blond hair gives her a very pretty, exotic look—but many children, she said, black and white, tease her constantly about her appearance. “A” confided in Didrienne that she feels that if she attacks someone first, than maybe she can make people laugh at someone other than her.

This is one of many very vital reasons for the need for diversity training in our homes, schools and community.

“A” has learned over the past several weeks that if she’s being bullied or talked about, to tell the person to stop, and then calmly and confidently walk away. She now knows that if the bully sees that she’s no longer upset, she’ll probably leave her alone. Bullies love to know that they’ve had an adverse affect on their victim.

Didrienne: “A” finally admitted that she herself was a bully who was teasing and bullying someone. She didn’t like the way it made her feel and she almost lost one of her best friends.
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De’Ja and Didrienne are students in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. They attend the Youth Village after-school program.

Mother turned activist Leslye Kenney speaks with Caitlin Johnson

“I don’t want any other parents to have to go through what we went through,” says Vermont mother Leslye Kenney.

Her daughter was cyberbullied so severely that she was forced to change schools and continued her education at home for most of a year—losing academic ground that she’s still working hard to make up.

It began in 2003, when her daughter was in seventh grade, and quickly escalated to a a Website threatening her daughter’s life and an onslaught of harassing e-mails and text messages. Now 17, Kenney’s daughter has spoken out about cyberbullying in her hometown and on Capitol Hill. In 2006, she received a state Youth Activist Award for her work. (Kenney asked not to use her daughter’s name; she leaves it up to her daughter when to speak out in her own name.)

The messages Kenney’s daughter received were devastating. They were not, however, atypical for cyberbullying. “More often than not, this type of messaging has to do with humiliating another kid by commenting on their sexuality, how they’re perceived gender-wise, their religion, their looks—anything to tear down their self esteem,” she says. “And if a kid doesn’t feel they fit into a clique, they may be too humiliated to tell someone.”

Many parents’ first instincts may also be to avoid taking action. “A lot of parents hope it will just resolve itself,” says Kenney. “They don’t want themselves or their kids to be further retaliated against, so they don’t report the bullying.”

However, it is important that adults take cyberbullying seriously and know how to respond, says Kenney. “Parents and school administrations across the country need to be aware of the issue and how to communicate with each other and with the children in their community. It is a group effort to keep children safe and educated.”

What the Law Says

Although it is generally up to school districts to set specific policies about online safety and cyberbullying in accordance with existing state laws, there are some nationwide legal requirements—for example, Title IX and VI, the federal education laws that prohibit sex and racial discrimination in schools. These may apply if messages constitute sexual or racial harassment. Federal civil rights statutes may also apply.

Under the law, all schools receiving federal funding must have a Title IX Coordinator—often a coach or counselor who is trained to handle issues of discrimination. Some states have policies requiring two designated employees, one male and female, to handle complaints. However, Title IX the requirements are complex and according to the Women’s Sports Foundation, most schools are not in full compliance.

What Parents and Schools Can Do

From her own difficult experience, Kenney has the following tips to share with parents and schools.

• Parents, teachers and school administrators need to be well-versed on current school policies and procedures when school starts each fall.
• Parents, teachers and all school administrators need to understand their school and home computer network systems; understand all means of access from home to school.
• Parents should work collaboratively and positively with other parents when they sense a problem brewing; they should model responsible behavior.

Spotting Problems

• Pay close attention to changes in behaviors, be aware of pre-existing behavior patterns.
• Teachers and parents: watch for exclusion, especially of new students, watch and observe cliques at school for signs of bullying.
• Teachers: Observe interactions in classrooms and act as necessary, don’t overlook behavior as “kids being kids.”

Reporting Problems

• Does your school have a Tile IX Coordinator to receive complaints?
• Are reporting forms available for parents and children in age-appropriate language?
• Is there a drop box in an area that is accessible to parents and children throughout the day?
• Know your Department of Education staff and Office of Safe and Healthy Schools teams and what role they have in the public school beforehand.
• When reporting issues, bring another person with you as a note-taker.
  Parents: you can ask your pediatrician or therapist to reach out to the school as well.
• You can request copies of documents in your child’s school file on the incident, and can correct any errors.
• If you need more help than the school can offer, you can contact the Office of Civil Rights for information; they may be able to help.

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Leslye Kenney is the mother of two, she lives in Vermont.

TEACHERS’ DESK | Stop! No Bullies Allowed In Here!
by Nellie Bogar

Cyberbullying has really come to my attention in the last two years. Our program serves a very diverse group of children from all walks of life; it is an ongoing effort to ensure that each child learns to respect him/herself and to respect the various cultures and differences of other children in the program.

Last year, an 11-year-old boy suddenly stopped coming to our program without explaining why to me or to his parents. Several weeks later, some of the other children were quietly (they thought) talking about the boy and said that he had dropped out because another student had started spreading rumors about his sexuality and was forwarding the information via the Internet to other students.

By the time I learned about the situation, the bully had moved to another state and could not be confronted. I called the victim and his mother to discuss the situation and he decided to come back to the program. If I had known sooner, we could have intervened sooner. The message we promote is: always tell a trusted adult as soon as possible when someone is bullying you.

Hiding Behind the Screen

Cyberbullies never have to face the person they’re bullying because it is done anonymously, furtively hidden by a computer screen. We already know that bullies love an audience—a cyberbully gets his or her audience by copying and forwarding his bullying messages to other people.

This method can be much more hurtful than having a bully torment the victim in person because the victim can’t face his tormentor. I emphasize with the kids that bullying is bullying anytime that someone intentionally hurts, humiliates or threatens another person. It doesn’t matter if it’s face-to-face, wireless phone or the Internet.

Our Approach to Reducing Bullying

Our program has several safeguards in place to prevent and respond to cyberbullying and other issues that our students face. We work to keep communication open through weekly “Family Circle” discussions, a private letterbox, and strong relationships with the students.

A “Family Circle” to Foster Trust and Communication
Youth Village has organized a “Family Circle” where we sit on the floor in a circle and discusses various issues, such as tolerance, bullying, dating, dress codes and other matters that are affecting us and our community.

This Circle is somewhat like a round-table discussion that many organizations provide for meetings. It encourages a feeling of connection to others, making the kids more apt to open up and discuss issues that they may have previously thought were unique to them. As they begin to share their individual problems the children see that they have quite a bit in common with each another. Lines of communication open and they realize that we all basically have the same fears and expectations.

This line of communication leads to more open discussions on all subjects—including cultural diversity, academic issues, physical appearance anxieties, and cyberbullying.

A Private Letterbox
Some children might not want to speak out in a public setting. We’ve installed a locked “in-house mailbox” at Youth Village. Children who want to speak privately just write down their concerns and drop it in the mailbox. I, or one of the staff members, check the box daily to see if anyone has any particular concerns we need to address.

As with any problem, open communication is the key. We must all—children and adults—learn to tell someone when we are being threatened, harassed or bullied.

Stop, No Bullies Allowed In Here!
In 2006, Youth Village produced a video about bullying. The focus was on all types of bullying, and the students learned a lot while making the video, which we shared with local schools. You can watch it online at http://www.nelliesyouthvillage.org/.

Nellie’s Tips to Address and Prevent Cyberbullying

Tips for Youth

Speak up. It’s hard and can be embarrassing, but you must tell an adult you trust. Sometimes early intervention can stop a problem from escalating. And we can all learn from each other.

Be careful when e-mailing information to another person. Information can be copied and forwarded by e-mails to any and everyone.

Be careful when someone asks to take your picture. Pictures can also be taken on cell phones without your knowledge, so try not to put yourself in compromising positions in public.

Tips for Teachers: Watch for the Signs

• Teachers should watch out for young people who
• Close their screens when the teacher comes near them
• Sit in groups while on the Internet
• Show a lack of interest in class participation
• Act aggressively
• Hand in missing or incomplete class work or homework

Tips for Parents

Parents should talk to their children and tell them it is not their fault if they’re bullied. They should not act as if its not important or tell their children “don’t worry about it, it will go away.” Cyberbullying is serious and could become dangerous.

Several weeks ago, a child on his way to Youth Village was bullied by another boy. I called the school and reported him, and called his mother at work. The aggressor was a former student at Youth Village who was expelled from our program for aggressive behavior. The school promised to watch out for any further incidents.

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Nellie Bogar is the Executive Director of Youth Village, Inc., an after school and summer program in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. It was created in 1999 to give children ages 6 to 15 a safe place for educational and recreational activities during out-of-school hours.

Learning How to Live With Myself: A Therapist on Cyberbullying (Part 1)
by Julie Guido, LCSW-C

Have you encountered cyberbullying in your work?

Yes, many times in my work as a school therapist, and I’m starting to see it as a parent of a 13-year-old. It has many levels. A message from someone who uses negative humor (who greets you with, “Hey Loser,” for example) can be more painful in the written word and more easily misinterpreted by the receiver. It can then snowball into something else altogether. I’ve also seen boys in school who, by using their own cell phones or computers in libraries even, rally around their girlfriends by trashing another girl’s reputation online or sending threatening IMs or text messages. These boys do this on behalf of the girlfriend who may have an issue with the victim of this bullying behavior. This creates a more anonymous façade for the perpetrator. Somehow using other’s equipment (cellular phones, computers) helps them to feel like they won’t get caught and/or aren’t responsible.

In short, I’ve seen cyberbullying range from something as trivial as ‘that’s insulting and hurtful, but I have enough confidence to turn it off and block you’ to life-changing and devastating.

What should adults know about cyberbullying from a therapeutic perspective?

We have to be aware of the developmental level of young teens. Girls are seeking relationships and a sense of belonging. They have the ability to be quite verbal and very social in their early adolescent years. It is particularly devastating to most of them that people can be cruel.

I have found that, especially in young adolescence, it is the girls who are contacting and engaging boys online more than boys reaching out to other boys or to girls. For boys, it’s important to form relationships, but they don’t have the same advanced social skills yet. Cruelty is equally painful, but they may not feel the need to be connected or IM every five seconds, and they may not spend the same long hours communicating online as girls

Where boys typically build up the pain, and act out in a more overt way, girls are more likely to hide behind cyber walls. It’s very powerful. And it’s something of an equal opportunity thing. Girls who have always been more outgoing and outspoken can continue this in the written form, while girls who have been very shy all their lives now have this tool that lets them be anyone they want to be and act out on the bullies who have treated them badly if they choose. They can also “talk” more with boys, who they may never feel comfortable talking to face to face—which gives the more outgoing girls a run for their money in the relationship department now more than ever.
How can adults help prevent cyberbullying and minimize its impact?

Young teens lack the developmental ability to make good decisions in a lot of situations. They aren’t likely to consider the consequences, and instead are quite now-focused. We need to come up with new and different ways to keep them safe—give them the little road maps they need to make the best decisions possible.

To do that, we as parents and teachers must try to be a partner with teens in this new world. We have to learn from them a good part of the time, and take the time to let them teach us. Communication is critical.

Taking back control is a big theme with perpetrators and victims. How do we help young teenagers do that? It’s different in different circumstances. Sometimes, it may mean supporting them in firmly saying no to the bully, and then turning off the computer. In other cases, it may mean face-to-face mediation by a professional. That requires school involvement and parental support—and teens have to be strong to do that; it is a scary situation and the fallout is uncertain, as they are well aware.

What are some specific responses that you’ve seen work?

A Web-Behavior Contract
Adults must remember that we do have control. Remember, this is a luxury item; teens may need it for research or school, but it is also a privilege. In my house, we’ve created a simple contract that sets out when it’s okay to use the Internet, for how long, and what all of my kid’s pass codes are. There must be clear consequences for not following through depending on whatever the contract might state. We did this together as a family and tailored it to each age group in my home. In other words, each child in my home has their own unique contract.

Empathy and Role-Modeling
Cyberbullies see themselves as anonymous entities who don’t have to be responsible for what they say, and they often don’t have to physically see the emotional and/or physical impact it has on the target person. We must teach kids at a young age that words do have meaning and those words can have huge impact on others, especially the written word without gestures and inflections of the voice to help define these meanings.

Slowing Down the Moment
Teachers and parents can host brainstorm sessions with young teens about what leads to cyberbullying, and what to look for in yourself and others. Start by helping them translate instincts and physical responses into actual feelings. Then put those feelings into words. For example, when reading an IM, a face flush means embarrassment or anger, muscle tension means anger or fear, etc. Being able to identify these physical cues that might indicate when one is getting “sucked into” a conflict can help to resolve it in some way before it gets too difficult and painful. Getting teens to think in this way as it relates to online communication would be a positive step forward.

With older teens, you take it a step further, helping them learn to ask themselves: Where am I going with this exchange? What feelings are triggered by these online responses? How do I see this ending? How do I want it to end? Do I need adult support in this one? Keep in mind we’re asking teens and preteens to be introspective while looking into the future. It is possible. It just doesn’t happen over night and may need to be taught.

Conflict Resolution and Intervention
Since we adults don’t have the advantage of our own childhood experience with the cyber world, we really need to either throw ourselves into becoming “book smart” about it or listen and learn to our kids who are actually living it. In this new era of cyberbullying, we adults may need to go outside of our comfort zones and actively learn where our children are technologically. Intermittently checking to see what sites they are visiting and with whom they are chatting will keep you more in touch with their world. It is equally important that our kids see that we are aware and cyber-savvy—that alone can act as a deterrent to potential cyberbullying for some teens.

Interventions for victims of cyberbullying can range from blocking the bully electronically to contacting the Webmasters of sites where threatening material is posted, to involving the school and seeking therapeutic intervention.

In addition to focusing on the victims of cyberbullying, we should also keep in mind that the perpetrators may be among our own children. Early intervention and swift consequences—typically involving taking away the technology along with efforts to help them experience empathy for the victim—are just a few ways to regain some control if your teen is engaging in any form of cyberbullying. Parents must learn to be okay with giving appropriate consequences to their children. This means allowing children and teens to learn through the discomfort of taking responsibility for inappropriate actions/behaviors that may come with their interactions with others online.

Conflict is a part of life. We need to talk openly about it and equip teens to do the same. If teens realize that they can work through difficult times, they may be more inclined to take a deep breath before acting, or to take positive steps toward a resolution rather than becoming a bully or a victim.

Kids learn best through seeing and doing (for example, interacting through an experience and role-playing potential situations), so we must spend time helping them to understand, on their level, the impact they can have on other people. This is real world stuff—and technology gives us creative tools to help kids open up to learning about these difficult situations while making them more manageable.

Part of conflict resolution means I may not be able to change the other person but this is how I can make healthy decisions toward taking care of myself and living with myself.

In the next issue: Guido shares the story of how one teen rebuilt her life after years of cyberbullying led to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and specific steps for working with cyberbullies.

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Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives with her husband and four children in Pennsylvania.

One of the most notorious cases of cyberbullying reached a conclusion of sorts on Wednesday, November 26, when a federal jury found Missouri mom Lori Drew guilty of misdemeanor computer fraud. According to published reports, Drew created a fake MySpace page and used it to deceive and harass 13-year-old Megan Meier, prompting Meier’s suicide.

Now Drew has been found guilty – of fraud, not homicide — and Meier’s parents seem to feel some justice has been served. But what does the verdict mean in general? Are our children safer online as a result of this verdict and its ramifications? Will we start to see more people criminally prosecuted for their digital behavior? How do we apply the law when it comes to Internet safety? The New York Times ran a thoughtful piece on the verdict and the issues it raises: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/28/us/28internet.html