From the Parents Corner
How do everyday parents manage to keep their kids (and themselves) mindful of the future consequences of their current online/wireless activity? We asked several parents to share their experiences and strategies with us
The Parents:
Christi Huling, Centreville, VA (Mother of Carson and Cole)
Tom Esselman, Kansas City, KS (Father of Andrew, Danny, Amy and Michael)
Michael Hochberger, New York City, NY (Father of Jacob and Eric)
The Questions and Answers
1) Have you had any personal experiences with unwanted/unexpected consequences as a result of your child’s online/wireless activity? If so, how did you find out, what did you do, and what were the results?
Christi: My 13 year old has not yet encountered any of the above. However, I have read some emails/texts that she had sent out and then later regretted. She does not know it, but I monitor her MySpace page and her cell phone texting and there have been several occasions when she sends an email/text that she is sorry for, something she had sent to the person earlier. I am not sure if she has changed her behavior as a result of this though.
Tom: No, there have been no consequences such as the ones you’ve mentioned above in any way. There have been some websites with inappropriate content visited by my children. In most cases it has been easy to discover those sites, and to discuss with the children why they don’t meet our approval, and to remove their content and access from the PC or laptop. This has been effective because we did not castigate the kids or demean them because of their choices; but rather discussed openly the value in choosing based on principles that matter. With regard to wireless activity, it is regular and constant, and has enabled my kids to always feel connected to us and to each other. There was one incident where we discovered inappropriate text messages being exchanged between our son and one of his girlfriends. Again, openly discussing its reflection of poor choice was the best way to deal with it.
Michael: None that I can remember.*Ed note: see Michael’s response to question #6
2) What about the “good news”—have you found benefits from your child’s online/wireless activity?
Christi: I wouldn’t say that we have experienced any beneficial consequences on my daughter’s end – however, I find many benefits in being able to send/receive text messages from her. It makes it easy to communicate with her when she is not at home or not with me. We text message daily and she doesn’t hesitate to text me at work when it may be hard to get me by phone.
Tom: At any time, and on regular occasions the children use the Internet to search topics, investigate new opportunities and discover new sources of information for their school projects and social activities. Teachers in their schools are candid and encouraging of their use of their online and wireless activity for the purpose of staying connected and accessing information quickly.
Michael: Social benefits for sure. Many of his assignments are accessible online. His Chinese pronunciation lessons are on a Website which he has to access.
3) How would you describe the level of communication between you and your child about online/wireless activities?
Christi: I believe that my daughter and I have a shared understanding of online behavior. I have spoken with her openly about inappropriate websites and about using search engines (i.e., Google) and how they can bring you to websites that you don’t expect. I have told her about the possible ramifications of communicating with people you don’t know on MySpace or in chat rooms. I have gone overboard in an attempt to “scare” her or give her the worst-case scenarios on what could happen if you communicate with the wrong people.
Tom: We have not made this a topic of discussion. Cell phones have become a way to stay constantly connected. When we’re all at home, there are some instances, mainly around a meal or discussion, when we point out to the kids that their constant focus on their phone and the constant pace of texting is distracting and disrespectful. We have never turned it into hard and fast rules, but occasionally we discuss the possibility of doing so. Normally, though, it is not an issue.
Michael: I monitor their on-line activity via AOL. So I’m able to see how much IMing and with whom they are IMIng as well as which Websites they go to. Our 10-year old has controls that monitor where he can go on the Web (the teen level of control). Our 13-year old has no restrictions imposed by AOL. Their e-mail addresses are on AOL. We have warned them repeatedly about predators and other unseemly folk that troll the web. We have told them to never give their phone number, name and address to any site that asks unless we approve. They know how to log on to the web outside of AOL and go straight to Explorer so I don’t necessarily know if they are going to inappropriate sites. That said, they like to IM so much that I think they normally go on AOL. I will come into their room and ask with whom are they IMing. They have to provide an answer or they can’t go on. I feel relatively comfortable with the level of communication with my children on this subject.
4) Do you model good online/wireless behavior for your children? Have you personally or professionally experienced unwanted/unexpected consequences as a result of online/wireless activity?
Christi: For the most part I believe that I model good online behavior – but there are times when I send text messages or emails at inappropriate times. If I am in the car driving and have the need to read or send an email or text message, I give the device to one of my kids to read to me or write for me. I do talk on the phone while driving – which is a behavior I will not condone when my children are old enough to drive. I have had a minor consequence at work using email when I accidentally sent an email to an unintended person. Fortunately, it was harmless, although a little embarrassing! I do have colleagues that have done the same thing with more harmful results. I have also had an employee terminated for downloading inappropriate software to his work computer. When instances such as these have occurred I have shared them (to some extent) with my daughter so she is aware of what could happen if you are not careful. I have also stressed to her that anything you put in writing either on line or via text messaging can be shared and forwarded on so that many people will see it even if you don’t want them to.
Tom: I find it distracting and off-putting when a colleague engages in texting during the middle of a conversation or meeting. I find it less distracting if the person receives a phone call and asks permission to take it due to need. For the most part, using a Blackberry to keep up with emails, phone and text messages has been extremely helpful at work and away from the office.
Michael: I have had some unexpected consequences of my own wireless behavior. I don’t however text at the dinner table and rarely at social occasions. No unwanted/unexpected consequences at work.
5) What concerns or confuses you most about your child’s current online/wireless activity? And what as a parent, do you feel you can do about it?
Christi: “Cyberbullying” is probably my greatest concern with online activity. I am not necessarily confused about any of the online activity – I try to stay abreast of the features that people utilize either on line or on their cell phones. I think that if you monitor what your child is doing (with or without them knowing) that you can determine if anything is getting out of hand and can take the proper steps to rectify it. It is scary that children can access computers from other locations outside of your own home where you have little or no control.
Tom: There’s very little that worries me about their online and wireless activity. In many ways this behavior is reflective of how the world is changing, and it often gives evidence about what types of information, activity and behavior will define the world our kids occupy as adults. Beyond that, it allows our children to feel much greater levels of connection to people and topics all over the world. I’m often times shocked by how few of my own friends from high school or college I maintain connection with. By contrast, it seems hard to imagine that our kids’ friendships won’t be much longer lasting due to the constant ability to stay connected with them.
Michael: I believe that we are dealing with two moving targets. The technology is constantly evolving, and our kids are getting older. As soon as they get to a stage in their lives where we understand what they may want and be interested in on the Web, then they get older and their interests change and their surfing/IM/e-mail patterns change. In addition, technology itself changes. Facebook comes out with a new interface and a way to communicate and all of a sudden everything changes. Constantly monitoring the technology and how they may want to use/abuse it is my biggest worry. My children’s texting habits haven’t yet reached astronomic proportions so that is not yet a problem.
6) Anything else you want add? Any advice for other parents?
Christi: My advice is to make sure you have open communication with the parents of your child’s friends. There have been several occasions when I have found interesting information either in text messages or emails that pertained to or included my daughter’s friends and since I have a good rapport with the parents I was able to “alert” them and we worked together on the issue! I am also a huge proponent of reading the text messages and emails and frequently visiting the MySpace or Facebook page to look for inappropriate behavior and to nip it in the bud!
Tom: Utilize online and wireless activity to learn about what excites and motivates your children. Guide them through your own behavior to take advantage of the multitudes of benefits that online and wireless access to all kinds of information can provide.
Michael: Never say never — you will not believe what just happened given the timing of your survey. Jacob was in the Apple Store last week and checked his e-mail on his AOL account. He left the account open and so anyone in the store who picked up that Ipod was able to access his e-mail account and send e-mails to responding to any e-mails in his in box. One was sent to a teacher saying “I like staring at your a**.”
[Ed. Note: Michael added the following a day after his initial responses to our questions]
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