Not quite sure how to best manage your tween’s texting behavior? Wondering if your child is too young to text or if you should cave and let him/her have a wireless phone? You’re not alone.
Dr. Donald Shifrin, of the American Academy of Pediatrics, says that he even he cannot see the usefulness of a wireless phone/texting device for children under 11-12 (except under specific circumstances), although he acknowledges it is hard to keep young kids from wanting such devices.
“There’s no question that the mobile device is now the preferred tech toy for younger children,” he says. “And the situation is such that the second or third child now wants what the first child in middle school just received: a wireless phone. The line just keeps getting more vague, as more phones and plans are offered.”
“Parents will always feel that they are depriving their children, but this should be normal. What is not normal is giving them carte blanche with a device that may not allow them to do age-appropriate actions.”
Shifrin’s advice to parents? “Be in charge of the parameters about how the device is used – minutes, connections, texting, Internet connectivity. Set up guidelines before, during and after purchase of a mobile device.”
Want even more advice? Sometimes it helps to hear about what’s worked, and what hasn’t, for other parents. So we’ve gathered a sampling of parental stories and strategies on how to handle texting tweens.
No Wireless Phone, Period: An Adamant Mom’s Strategy
Paula Blythe, 51, is an elementary school teacher and librarian, and the mother of Taylor, 12 (she also has two adult children in their mid-late twenties). Despite Taylor’s constant requests for a wireless phone, Paula has remained firm: no wireless phone, no way.
We’ve pretty much put the squelch on wireless phone use. I really feel like the wireless phone is a luxury, for convenience and emergencies only, and something we wouldn’t consider for Taylor.
He tells me, “Mom, I’m the only one, why can’t I have one, I need one.” – I’m used to the pressure and used to saying no, and my husband is of the same opinion.
I guess part of my concern of course is the cost, the expense. But it’s also about responsibility. I don’t see any reason for him to have it. He’s at home or at school or at my mom’s, and if there are emergencies there are phones at all of those places. A wireless phone gives him an excuse to not be responsible, to call and say “I’m at so-and-so’s house,” when he’s not supposed to be. I don’t think he’s ready for that responsibility.
My husband and I are together on this, that’s an important thing. And I know it’s not easy for kids, and it’s not easy for parents. But if Taylor says he has practice then it’s my responsibility to be there so he’s not left or has to call. I am there. I’m accountable, and I make him accountable – if he’s supposed to be there, he’s supposed to be there.
In the same way, he has responsibilities at home. We model responsibility for him, and we talk and reason with him. And we encourage him to direct his energy in other ways. For example, my husband and I have been 4-H leaders for 20 years. Taylor’s been in 4-H since he was a baby, and he’s learned from the example of leadership he sees in the group.
I took a group of 4-H kids on a trip last summer and one of the boys was on the wireless phone constantly, and the other kids were put out with him. They’d say, “Why can’t you enjoy what you’re dong here?” There was no need for him to be on phone the whole time, kind of a show-off thing, it seemed, and I thought, “This is silly.”
As a teacher, I see the influence of texting – kids don’t know how to spell or punctuate. It’s a new type of communication now, I know. My older kids are both very good at that Facebook and texting all the time, and Taylor’s been around them enough to know what they do, and he’s used their phones, but they’re probably more adamant about him following the rules than I am.
As with any family issue, it’s about keeping good relationships. It’s about supporting one another. Not all kids have that. But I try to have that with my kids. And wireless phones or texting for Taylor, at his age? No. I’m not budging on this one.
Wireless phone Only with Strict Parental Control and Consequences: A Wary Dad’s Strategy
Paul Mazzei, 50, had no idea his tween daughter Lara was in “texting trouble” until the warning signs became too obvious to miss. Mazzei maintains that regular parent-child communication and constant parental vigilance are crucial to keeping a tween or teen’s texting behavior under control.
When Lara first got her phone, she was in eighth grade, I think. She was doing after-school sports, so we thought it would be a good way to be able to reach her after school, since we both work. She’s 16 now, so this was three years ago, and even then, it seemed everybody else had phones, even kids in fifth and sixth grade.
Very quickly we ran into problems, but it was just poor parenting on my part that I didn’t see what was happening. She was exhausted all the time, and her grades were falling apart. She was falling apart, emotionally and psychologically.
When I was at a father-daughter dance with her, I found out that she had been participating in a lot of inappropriate texting. She was running around with her friends all night, I knew something was up, but it wasn’t until after we got home – she apparently was up till three in the morning texting, and one text message made her so upset, a text message from a guy, that she wound up waking us and telling us. So there was that.
And then we got the bills.
We took her phone away for three months. She cried and was very upset, but that was it. And now it’s very controlled. The phone is in her mom’s name, so we get all the bills and review everything with Lara. So she knows she is being watched. It’s very expensive still, so we structure our plan so there’s a limit. Now that she’s older she knows what’s right and wrong, that grades are a priority, that good health is a priority.
It was a total example of poor parenting. If you don’t have control, if you don’t know what’s happening with your own child, you’re doing something wrong. You’ve got to have the bills coming to you and sit down with your child and review calls. And if you see inappropriate activity going on, you stop it.
You let the child know that texting, having a phone, that’s a privilege, not a requirement. You’ve got to be tough and take the phone away, if it comes to that.
And even after all of that, just last night we were supposed to talk about some things, and Lara texted – she texted! – from her bedroom that she was going to bed. Rather than come up and deal with a normal but perhaps stressful discussion about grades and school, she tried to text her way out of it.
That’s what bothers me so much about texting. It allows a teenager a way to escape accountability. So we had a little meeting this morning, and tonight we’re going to talk face-to-face, in person, as planned.
I have a very short wick on that stuff. I don’t text because my Blackberry is work-issued and they don’t permit texting. But I believe texting can be a really bad thing because it puts too much control in the hands of a teenager to use a text message versus a live, person-to-person phone call. It allows a teenager to mislead a parent on where they are, or what they are doing.
So if you allow a teen or tween to text, you have to really control it, because it’s seductive for kids. It’s so easy for children to just be sucked into texting all the time, to the point that they’re neglecting their health, schoolwork, and family.
The Family that Texts Together: A Trusting, Texting Mom’s Strategy
Valerie Gregory, in her early 50s, her husband, Carlton, and daughter Jasmine, 17, have made peace with texting in the family. Here’s how:
Jasmine asked for a phone around the age of 11, and we told her she had to wait until she was about 13. Her father actually bought her first phone for Christmas, which was very surprising because he was probably the one who was most against it. But her middle school was way out in woods, and he thought it would be wise for her to have a phone in case of an emergency (school shootings and students being able to call parents seem to be the reason for his change of heart).
We got her a pay-as –you-go type of phone so she could contribute to the cost of it. This also made her more responsible because if she ran out of minutes she would have to wait, because we were only going to purchase this card once a month. She did not have access to texting because it was too expensive.
It probably was in high school before she actually got texting, but again the cost made her more conservative about it. When her first phone died she actually researched payment plans so she could get unlimited texting — it was obvious she wanted to do it more because her friends were doing it more. So this opened the door of unlimited texting!!
Interestingly enough, Jasmine’s father actually sent her first “parent text”. I can remember it so clearly as we were flying to Atlanta and when we arrived, Jasmine texted her dad to tell him that we had arrived safely (saves on phone minutes since she has unlimited text). We were actually kind of doing it as a joke, but when her father texted her back, the joke was on us! We were shocked because we didn’t even know that he was so in tune.
Jasmine first introduced me to texting as a way to communicate with her without using up her phone minutes (because she was still paying for those). So if she had to stay after school and give me a time to pick her up, she would send me a text — which I thought was kind of nice because it was quiet and could be done without talking.
Still, even though she has unlimited text, when she sends it to us, we have to pay for it. So she installed Aim [AOL Instant Messaging] on my computer, and now we can text and not use up our phone minutes.
Jasmine texts all the time now. She rarely talks on the phone and her connections with her friends are through texting. (Want to go to the mall? What time? Meet you there? What are you wearing?)
I don’t worry too much about it because Jasmine and I have a very open, communicative relationship. We had this before texting, so she tells me a lot about what is going back and forth. To me because we established this kind of relationship early on, it makes it easy for me to trust that she is not abusing this.
We do talk about the bullying that can take place through texting much like the computer. Young people will cuss someone out in a heartbeat through texting and then forward it to others—changing the text at times. She tells me about BIG arguments between people through texting, and we talk about what people will say through this medium that they would never say in person.
There is also “forwarding” in texting, whether it be jokes or a saying for the day. Some times these things can be very sexual in nature as well. She has even shared with me a story about a “drug sell” through texting. The sky is the limit, and this is so frightening. Not that Jasmine shares everything – but she is honest and I trust her enough to know what she is doing.
The only real rule we have had to set is NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING! If you need to text, stop and do it. We eat as a family and she doesn’t bring her phone to the table. This is our time. This rule kind of set itself, I believe, but it opens the door for communication.
Honestly, texting has really opened the door of communication between Jasmine and me, particularly since she is driving. She lets me know when she arrives, tells me when she is on her way home, etc. This is kind of cool because she can do it quietly and her friends probably don’t realize she is talking with her mom.
One downside: I do think the art of conversation is affected by texting, especially when these young people first meet someone. I find that they are slow to start conversation and seem to struggle with it (even Jasmine). They don’t seem to know how to keep an initial conversation going. What kinds of questions do you ask when you first meet someone? How do you keep a conversation going?
I have seen it in Jasmine and so we purposely put her in situations where she has to keep a conversation going. She hates it but has gotten used to it and seems to manage.
I think it is important for a parent to learn how to text and use it with the child. Being connected in “their world” really helps them to appreciate you and be more welcoming.
Mobile safety in general. Just as in chat rooms and social sites, kids need to think about who they text and talk with. They should never text/talk about sex with strangers. Phones should only be used to communicate with people they know in the real world.
Bullying by phone. Since young people’s social lives increasingly unfold on cell phones as well as the Web, cyberbullying and harassment have gone mobile too. Talk with your kids about how the same manners and ethics you’ve always taught them apply on phones and the Web as in “real life.”
Mobile social networking. Many social sites have a feature that allows users to check their profiles and post comments from their phones. That means some teens can do social networking literally anywhere, in which case any filter you may have installed on a home computer does nothing to block social networking. Talk with your teens about where they’re accessing their profiles or blogs from and whether they’re using the same good sense about how they’re social networking on their phones.
Social mapping. More and more cell phones have GPS technology installed, which means teens who have these phones can pinpoint their friends’ physical location - or be pinpointed by their friends. Talk with your kids about using such technology and advise them to use it only with friends they know in person.
> Valerie’s Six Tips for Parents Whose Kids Text
- Develop the kind or relationship with your child that is based on open communication. Learn to feel comfortable listening when necessary and nurturing trust in the early stages.
- Take time to learn and understand how to do texting.
- It is OK to set parameters about when texting is not appropriate: during family time, while driving, when studying or doing homework.
- Use texting as a way to communicate with your child.
- Have a frank talk about security, bullying, abusive use of phones and computers. These conversations should happen before a phone is even purchased.
- Give children some financial responsibility with texting. Nothing in life is free not even unlimited texting! =)
Wireless Phone Safety Tips – From Connect Safely
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Media-sharing by phone. Most mobile phones we use today have cameras, some videocams - and teens love to share media with friends on all types of mobile devices. There is both a personal-reputation and -safety aspect to this. Talk with your teens about never letting other people photograph or film them in embarrassing or inappropriate situations (and vice versa). They need to understand their own and others’ privacy rights in sharing photos and videos via cell phones.
‘Smart phones.’ We’ve already been over many smart- or 3G-phone features above, but remember they usually include the Web. That means more and more people can access all that the Web offers, appropriate or not, on their phones as well as computers. Mobile carriers are beginning to offer filtering for the content available on their services, but they have no control over what’s on the Web. Parents of younger kids might want to consider turning off Web access and turning on filtering if they’re concerned about access to adult content.
Text messaging costs. On some mobile services, a single text message can cost 15 cents to send and a couple of cents to receive. Check to see if your carrier has flat-rate texting that can be included in your child’s or family’s service plan; otherwise your teens could be using up their entire college fund.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
be more informative! PLZ
February 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
What would you like us to add?