Cyberbullying

Julie, you mentioned that there was a severe cyberbullying case that stood out in your work as a school therapist. Can you tell us about it and what we can learn from it?

I worked with a twelfth grader who was bullied in seventh, eighth and ninth grades to such a degree that she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She had some issues before the bullying, including anxiety, but the bullying tipped her over the edge. When she came to my school, she was showing signs of social phobia.

This student was getting harassed via cell phone calls, texts and instant messages, and rumors were posted about her on MySpace and Xanga. It was nonstop. 

In the old days of messages on the bathroom wall, teachers could see the anger and venom and paint over them-cyberbullying is something that follows teens. It is like an invisible force that can pop up at any time, anywhere.

Checking their Websites, texts and IMs can become a masochistic thing that teens do to themselves, hoping it will change somehow. Parents and adults must intervene-because how many kids can exert the kind of self-restraint it takes to not check what others are doing/saying about them?

What are the best ways to respond to bullying, and how did it work for this student?

We had to start from scratch: identifying feelings, learning how to talk about what was really going on and doing hard work on how to let go of the pain of her middle school years.

Responses to bullying generally break down into three approaches: mediation with adults, standing up or blocking the aggressor.  The high school senior tried the latter extremes. Standing up to the bullies backfired. I worked with her to help her come up with a decision that she ultimately chose for herself: she decided to let go of these relationships and start over. Instead of letting others control her self-image, she was able-with the help of adults-to cut all ties. It was extremely hard.

Now, she’s an adult and in college. She’s one of the healthiest people I know. She has had years of therapy and medication, and has come through it a very self-aware and hard working young lady. She knows she can get through crises.  She was in favor of her story being told for purposes of helping others.

We’ve had other situations at the school where the staff didn’t know about the bullying until it was very intense; and by then it became too late for mediation. One tenth-grade student changed schools, and we as staff felt terrible because she didn’t get to resolve the bullying. That will stay with her forever. It was a huge lesson for the school; there is now more focus on awareness and prevention.

How can parents and schools intervene with bullies?

First, there must be compassion for these bullies. They are hurting and feel the need to hurt back. They need structure, guidance and swift consequences with plans for concrete changes. Therapeutic intervention may be needed to work with bully and victim respectively.  

Parents/guardians and schools can take away or restrict all luxury items that are used in bullying-for example, limiting computer usage to schoolwork (monitored at school and at home) or curtailing wireless phone privileges. Depending on the child and the severity and intent to harm, bullies can be encouraged to send a sincere letter to the victim acknowledging responsibility, what it must feel like to be bullied and lessons learned. Restricted access to friends who are “accompanying bullies” would also be indicated for the bully.  These are the kids giving a bully power and encouragement, helping to promote a snowball effect.

I would want to see signs of some empathy or compassion before letting up on consequences.  Working with the bully to create a plan that demonstrates to parents/teachers that he/she “gets it” can work. This is the bully’s time for a “do-over” of sorts-although you can’t take away the scars left behind, you can move forward positively and work on building more positive, honest relationships in the future. Follow-through by adults is crucial.

Adults cannot intervene if they don’t know about it.  Think about it-as a parent/guardian, would you want to know if your son/daughter was bullying someone?  If the answer is “yes” then you also know that parents need to be more comfortable communicating with each other and teachers need to make the time to inform parents if they suspect more than just a casual conflict between students.

Tips and Tools:

• Be Aware of What Your Child is Doing on the Internet.  Some days it may just be research and homework. Extended hours probably mean something else.  Check in periodically with your child.  Spend a minute or two finding out who she’s chatting with online.
• Teach Empathy and Respect. Cyberbullying depersonalizes a situation, so we want to teach kids at a young age that words can and do have huge impact.
• Work Through Alternatives. We must offer reality checks and show teens how to change their actions: “This is wrong, but this is how you can do it differently, this is how you won’t get in trouble,” and  “Is this the message you’re trying to send?  If so, try it another way because this is what I’m getting from this.” 

  With a young child, if he throws a brush at me when I’ve asked him to bring it to me, I know to say, “That’s not okay. You go right back out of the room, bring it in and hand it to me correctly.” We need to do the same with teens. I am constantly asking my teenager to repeat what she has said so that I can hear the words without the disrespect attached.  It does work; she gets what she needs when she is able to be respectful and mature.

  Teaching how to listen and communicate at any age gives kids tools both to respond to cyberbullies and to deal with people they may want to bully.  Teaching kids to think before responding in life and online is key to stopping the snowball effect that gives cyberbullies their ammunition.
   

• Address the Situation Honestly.  Young teens learn best through seeing and interacting and role-playing, so we can use real-world moments to identify and reinforce good behaviors. 

  Do some self-checking of your own:  Do I openly gossip about others around my kids or students?  Do I bad-mouth others?  How forgiving of mistakes am I?  How in touch with my thoughts/feelings am I?  How much do I encourage honest, sincere interaction between and among myself and my family members?  Do we, as a family, speak with respect to each other?  Do I speak respectfully to my partner/spouse?  How do we resolve conflict?

–

Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and four children.

by Anthony J. Varni  

Flashback to January 2005, when the Principal Advisory Committee of a small parochial school in central California faced an unfamiliar crisis among its seventh grade class. 

A new social networking site had become popular among many of the seventh grade students. There was an age limit of 14, but it was not enforced, so the 12-year-old seventh graders had no problem setting up their own pages on the site and sending messages back and forth, along with pictures and comments for everyone to see.

This new cyber-communication seemed innocent enough, until a couple of seventh grade girls posted nasty comments about one of their female classmates on the site.  Another student printed the messages and brought them onto the school campus and showed it to other classmates, who did not have access to the Website.

The student had been “cyberbullied,” although the term was so new that no one knew to use it.

The student targeted by the online harassment was hurt and depressed. She stayed home from school for days because she was convinced that everyone hated her and had seen the comments posted online. 

Parents Disagree

When they saw a copy of the print-out, the victim’s parents were shocked by the hurtful things written by the girls, who had been their daughter’s classmates since pre-school.

The parents of the “bullies,” the girls who posted the comments, felt that everything was blown out of proportion, that their daughters never intended for the victim to see the posts; they were just being normal girls who occasionally talk about other girls-that’s what girls do, right?

The Principal Advisory Committee was called to address the situation. I and the other parents and staff members on the committee all agreed that the incident was terrible, but we couldn’t agree about how to address the situation. Some of the members acknowledged that their children had their own pages on the Website, but they checked them regularly and found the site a good window into the thoughts and activities of their teens. Other members vowed that they would never allow their children access to such a social network.

All of them wondered what could be done at the school level, since most of the comments were written away from the campus, then printed and brought into school.

Missing a Teachable Moment

The principal tried to do the right thing-she brought the parties together to discuss the situation. She pointed out to the bullies that the comments were hurtful to the victim, but she had no idea how traumatic such an incident could be. She had nowhere to look for guidance on how to deal with the situation.

It was clearly an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. As word of the bullying spread among the entire school community through the very un-cyber parking lot network, the principal seemed to want everyone to hug and get over it, to get back to the way things were before cyberbullying was a problem for the school. She declared that all parties involved were partially responsible for the incident; they were all encouraged to apologize to each other.

It was an opportunity missed, in many ways, to really address the issue and educate students and parents/guardians. Luckily in this case, the class moved on to the eighth grade together, and many of the girls now attend the same local high school. Their relationships are not perfect, but they gained a better understanding of the promises and perils of cyber technology.

If I could go back with the knowledge I have now, I would have urged the Committee to develop a strategy to educate the students, teachers and parents/guardians about the seriousness of cyberbullying. I would want them to know that young people tend to be uninhibited when writing online, and can communicate more boldly than in person. And the young people reading comments online can interpret the words at an exaggerated level that can lead to severe anxiety, fear and depression.

What We Know Now

Fast forward to January 2008-just about every morning news program, talk show and newspaper is reporting the tragedy of a thirteen-year-old who committed suicide after a flurry of comments on a social networking site from a “cute boy,” who turned out to be an adult neighbor, the mother of a former friend.

Thousands of schools probably go through similar experiences-and many still face these crises in a vacuum, with very little guidance to manage the situation.

Fortunately, there are new tools that can help educate students, teachers and parents/guardians, explaining the seriousness and possible affects of cyberbullying.

One of them is Adina’s Deck, a 30-minute video about cyberbullying developed as part of a Master’s Thesis at Stanford University’s School of Education. 

There is a key moment in Adina’s Deck in which Adina talks about how she didn’t want to hurt the girl she said mean things about, and I believe that this was also the case at our school.

Every parent or guardian wants happiness and safety for their children, and a childhood free of harassment, in reality and in cyberspace.

Links:

Check out Adina’s Deck and the resources for parents/guardians, schools and students.

–

Antony J. Varni lives in central California. He is the father of the actress who plays Adina in Adina’s Deck (two of his daughters are in the film). He notes that his daughters were not involved in the school incident, but his family was, and remains, friends with the parents involved on both sides of the incident he described above.

By Patti Agatston, Ph.D. 

In 2006, I had the opportunity to conduct focus group interviews with students on the topic of cyberbullying. I partnered with Dr. Robin Kowalski and Dr. Susan Limber, psychologists at Clemson University who had already conducted a national survey on cyberbullying with students in grades 6 through 8. To build on that knowledge, we interviewed 148 middle and high school students in public schools. We selected schools in part for their diverse socioeconomic status.

Here’s what we found.  (The full data from the focus groups appears in the December issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health.)

Learning Point #1:  Cyberbullying is impacting the school.  Girls are particularly concerned about this issue.

We asked students if they thought that cyberbullying was a problem at their particular school.  The groups were separated by gender. I interviewed the female focus groups and a male colleague interviewed the male groups.  The majority of students in the female group agreed that it was a problem; however, the reaction was more mixed among male groups.  This fits with the research that suggests that females are more involved in cyberbullying as both perpetrators and targets (Kowalski, Limber and Agatston, 2007).  However, in each of our groups, students could give examples of how classmates or neighbors had been impacted by cyberbullying.

Learning Point #2:  Don’t believe that just because a site is blocked, kids won’t be able to access it.

The students were very tech savvy, particularly at the high school level.  We asked the groups if they were able to access blocked sites on our school district server, and both males and females were knowledgeable about using “proxy servers” to bypass the blocks.  We must do much more than rely upon blocks and filters to protect our children.  We need to have conversations with them about the issue.

Learning Point #3:  Few parents/guardians and educators are talking to students about cyberbullying.

We asked students in the focus groups whether their parents/guardians or teachers were talking to them about cyberbullying, and the majority of the students answered an emphatic “no.”   A few students did give examples of Internet safety messages that parents were discussing with them, but the messages did not include information about how people treat one another online. 

One school was implementing a bullying prevention program, and the girls in that focus group said that cyberbullying had been discussed in the classroom, but that was the one exception.  We need to weave cyberbullying into our messages about bullying in general.

Learning Point #4:  Students are reluctant to tell adults if they experience cyberbullying. 

While students could give some strategies for dealing with cyberbullying, such as ignore or block the sender of the message, they were reluctant to involve adults.  The most common reason was that they feared losing access to their technology.  As one girl said, “If I tell my mom that someone is sending me mean instant messages [IMs], she’ll say, ‘Well than you don’t need to IM.’” 

In addition, they did not believe that adults at home or school would be particularly helpful in addressing the situation.  This was particularly true with adults at school.  As one boy said:  “What can they do?  It’s happening at home, not at school.” 

Adults need to avoid overreacting yet offer effective assistance in order to be viewed as legitimate and trustworthy resources by youth.

Learning Point #5:  Student bystanders who witness cyberbullying often do nothing to help, but when they do help, it makes a difference.

Many of the students in our focus groups shared stories of witnessing cyberbullying incidences online, but indicated that they did not do anything to alert adults or assist the targeted student.  They did share that they “felt sorry” for the person who was targeted.  This is consistent with Dan Olweus’s research (1993) on the bullying circle that demonstrates that the majority of students do not participate in bullying, but instead witness it, feel uncomfortable or distressed about it and are uncertain what to do to help.

This has obvious implications for prevention and intervention with cyberbullying.  We tell the story in our book, Cyber Bullying: Bullying in the Digital Age (2007), of a middle school girl who was targeted with a profile that both threatened and made fun of her.  I interviewed the girl’s mother, and she shared that her daughter was able to deal with the abuse a little better because some of her friends went to the site and posted positive comments about her and messages of support for her. 

Such messages of support are so powerful for students who feel frightened, embarrassed, humiliated and alone.  

Conclusion

Our youth have much to teach us about how young people are interacting with technology today.  The benefits of technology far outweigh the negatives.  As parents/guardians and educators, we can assist young people in making the digital world a positive experience for everyone. Remember, without our guidance, they will make up the rules themselves!  

BOX:

Suggested guidelines for young teens on using technology responsibly:

• Do not send messages when you are angry.
• Do not use technology to embarrass or humiliate someone.
• Do not use another person’s password and screen name or user name.
• Do not take photos with a wireless phone without the person’s permission.
• Do not post photos online or forward them to others without permission.
• If you see someone being targeted by cyberbullying, let an adult know.  Saving the evidence helps.
• Post or send positive messages of support to help someone who is being targeted.
• Do your part to make the digital world a positive place!

Links:

www.cyberbullyhelp.com.

Link to article:  Students Perspectives on Cyberbullying in the December issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health:

http://www.jahonline.org/article/PIIS1054139X07003680/fulltext

–

Patti Agatston, PhD, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and co-author of the book, Cyber Bullying:  Bullying in the Digital Age.  She is a certified trainer for the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program and works for the Cobb County School District in Marietta, Georgia.

Students in Amy Lutes’ business computer classes at Hampshire High School in Hampshire, Illinois, shared their thoughts on technology and safety with bNetS@vvy. Here’s what a few students had to say, unedited. We hope these can spark discussions with the young people in your life.

I have used technology a lot in my life; it is what I base most of my information off of. From watching TV to always being on the computer it takes up most of my time. But without it most of society would be lost. 

MySpace has taken over teen lives and has led to a big breakthrough in technology. Technology will be around forever and is a big part of the world now.

- Connor M., high school freshman

Nowadays, kids seem to have many privileges. They all have cell phones and sit on the computer all day. Having their own phone is helpful for the parents. Kids can also call them in case of emergency or for whatever the problem is. It’s a way to help the parent know where their child is. Phones are safe as long as they know how to use them. But if they are giving out their phone number to random people, they could just be getting themselves into trouble.

Many parents worry that their children could be getting into trouble online. If they are chatting to people they do not know, they have a point. But with the computer programs we have, we can prevent that from happening. These programs keep hackers out and can prevent viruses from entering your computer. Many of these programs have parental controls so [parents] can limit the Websites their children are allowed to visit. They can be safe as long as the parents and teachers do something to prevent it.

- Juan M., high school senior

There was this one girl on MySpace from a school nearby who had problems on her account. She was only l4 years old and thought that no one could harm her on a Website. But there was this guy who wanted to know who she was and asked her to be his friend.   She accepted him and he looked through her MySpace page and found out all of her information.   Then he went to her house and luckily her parents were home because he was going to do something bad.  She was one of the lucky people.   Her parents told her to delete her MySpace or hide her information. I think parents and everybody should know the [dangers].

- Dylan N., high school freshman

There are many ways I am technology-safe. If I have a password for anything (computer, phone) I do not give it out. At school, in order to log on you need to put in your student ID. No one knows my student ID.   Another way I protect myself is by putting a lock on my phone. You cannot listen to my voicemail or read my texts unless you put the code in.

My main focus is staying safe on my computer. It is very easy for a predator to find out what you look like and where you live. … So I do not have a MySpace and I don’t let my friends post pictures or information about me on theirs. I think it is very stupid to put where you live out on the Internet. It is so unsafe and could lead to terrible things. Young people need to be made more aware of those things.

- Tia I., high school freshman

The Internet offers no privacy. MySpace  … is a fun Website that keeps friends in touch through comments, pictures and messages. Millions of people access Myspace every day, and while they think they’re safe with their personal email addresses, login and password, there are still those pesky Internet hackers that are able to break into your account and access personal information. Teens are getting kicked off their sports teams because of pictures and inappropriate material they have on their profiles. 

Be smart about what you put on the Internet, because you never know who is looking at what you have on there.                                  

- Ashley M., high school junior

Friends online [are not always] who they say; their brothers or sisters or even parents have talked to me. Also, there are people that I never even saw before who wanted to be my friend … but I knew that was not safe. My parents taught me never to talk to strangers so I would block them.

I knew this girl who decided to meet a 16-year-old guy who she thought was really cute and she was smart because she took her older brother with her and he ended up being an old weird guy. She was one of the lucky ones. But there are so many kids like her who need to be more careful when they are on the Internet. That’s why they should make a program to help younger children not talk to strangers even when they are on the Internet because they may feel close to them, but they still don’t personally know who they are talking to.

-Dollie B., high school freshman

Do not give out any personal information like passwords, home address and phone number. These can hurt a person’s life forever. You can have all the information on your computer stolen if you’re not careful enough.  One way to protect yourself from this is have your Internet set to max security. Another way is to set your wireless router security. Also, block sites that have cookies or pop-ups

- Michael K., high school freshman