Cyberbullying

Have you ever been on the computer and an unknown person emails or Instant messages you? You click out but they keep typing to you. You finally decide to type back, and the person threatens you or calls you names like “stupid” or says “Ha Ha, I got you!”? This is called cyberbullying and it happened to me!

I was curious and wanted to find out who this person was that was trying to email me, so when I typed back they pretended to be someone I knew, but after a few minutes, I realized that I didn’t know who this person was, but it was too late. I had opened the door to trouble! I think it was someone from my school, but I never found out for sure.

Meanwhile, I was really terrified at the things this person was sending to me.

Don’t think cyber bullying can’t happen to you, it could happen to anyone. People on the Internet can bully you in any kind of way. They can tease you, threaten you, or they’ll just put you down and make you sad.

Bullying doesn’t just happen on the computer. It can happen on your cell phone too. If a person sends you a text message, and they threaten you over the phone, that would also be considered cyberbullying.

Why do people cyberbully? Often, they don’t like themselves, they have problems at home, or they like the attention they get from bullying kids. Bullying is downright wrong, and we shouldn’t degrade each other like this.

Preventing Cyberbullying: My Advice to Other Teens
There are many ways to prevent cyber bullying, and I’m going to tell you right here and right now.

First, what not to do: Some kids just turn the computer off and don’t tell their parents. That is WRONG! If you are a teen and you are reading this, don’t be afraid to tell someone. You should always tell your parent or your guardian or a well-known family friend. Never keep a secret from an adult, especially if you are getting cyber bullied.

Here’s what you can do: Again, if someone tries to chat online with you and they threaten you, you should tell an adult immediately. Depending on what the person typed to you, they could be breaking the law.

Also:

• Do not give out personal information to anybody over the Internet even if you know who the person is. Information given can be passed on to other people. When you are on the Internet it is important not to tell the person your name, address, and phone number. Don’t put your birth date in your screen name.
• Don’t give out your cell phone number. Guard it as you would a secret from your best friend. Some people I know don’t give anyone except their very best friends their cell numbers. Parents can give their children cell phones without even telling their child what their phone number is. The parents only want the child to have a cell phone in case the child himself has to make an emergency call.

So please, remember what I’ve said….experience is sometimes the best teacher!

What If Your Friend is a Bully?
By Didrienne, 10 (with Nellie Bogar, Executive Director of Youth Village)

Nellie: Didrienne knows a bully personally, who is also a student at Youth Village. She and her friend “A,” had become very good friends over the years until Didrienne noticed that her friend was becoming increasingly hurtful when talking to and about other people. She decided to sit down and have a talk with her.

Didrienne told “A” that she was becoming more insensitive to other people and their problems and kind of a bully.

Didrienne: I told her that it’s not cool to laugh at or join the teasing or gossip. At first, “A” denied being a bully or picking on other people, but I didn’t give up. After a while, “A” began to open up and told me that she was being bullied.

Nellie: “A” is biracial and has a striking and unique appearance. Her light, olive-colored skin and giant bushel of blond hair gives her a very pretty, exotic look—but many children, she said, black and white, tease her constantly about her appearance. “A” confided in Didrienne that she feels that if she attacks someone first, than maybe she can make people laugh at someone other than her.

This is one of many very vital reasons for the need for diversity training in our homes, schools and community.

“A” has learned over the past several weeks that if she’s being bullied or talked about, to tell the person to stop, and then calmly and confidently walk away. She now knows that if the bully sees that she’s no longer upset, she’ll probably leave her alone. Bullies love to know that they’ve had an adverse affect on their victim.

Didrienne: “A” finally admitted that she herself was a bully who was teasing and bullying someone. She didn’t like the way it made her feel and she almost lost one of her best friends.
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De’Ja and Didrienne are students in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. They attend the Youth Village after-school program.

Mother turned activist Leslye Kenney speaks with Caitlin Johnson

“I don’t want any other parents to have to go through what we went through,” says Vermont mother Leslye Kenney.

Her daughter was cyberbullied so severely that she was forced to change schools and continued her education at home for most of a year—losing academic ground that she’s still working hard to make up.

It began in 2003, when her daughter was in seventh grade, and quickly escalated to a a Website threatening her daughter’s life and an onslaught of harassing e-mails and text messages. Now 17, Kenney’s daughter has spoken out about cyberbullying in her hometown and on Capitol Hill. In 2006, she received a state Youth Activist Award for her work. (Kenney asked not to use her daughter’s name; she leaves it up to her daughter when to speak out in her own name.)

The messages Kenney’s daughter received were devastating. They were not, however, atypical for cyberbullying. “More often than not, this type of messaging has to do with humiliating another kid by commenting on their sexuality, how they’re perceived gender-wise, their religion, their looks—anything to tear down their self esteem,” she says. “And if a kid doesn’t feel they fit into a clique, they may be too humiliated to tell someone.”

Many parents’ first instincts may also be to avoid taking action. “A lot of parents hope it will just resolve itself,” says Kenney. “They don’t want themselves or their kids to be further retaliated against, so they don’t report the bullying.”

However, it is important that adults take cyberbullying seriously and know how to respond, says Kenney. “Parents and school administrations across the country need to be aware of the issue and how to communicate with each other and with the children in their community. It is a group effort to keep children safe and educated.”

What the Law Says

Although it is generally up to school districts to set specific policies about online safety and cyberbullying in accordance with existing state laws, there are some nationwide legal requirements—for example, Title IX and VI, the federal education laws that prohibit sex and racial discrimination in schools. These may apply if messages constitute sexual or racial harassment. Federal civil rights statutes may also apply.

Under the law, all schools receiving federal funding must have a Title IX Coordinator—often a coach or counselor who is trained to handle issues of discrimination. Some states have policies requiring two designated employees, one male and female, to handle complaints. However, Title IX the requirements are complex and according to the Women’s Sports Foundation, most schools are not in full compliance.

What Parents and Schools Can Do

From her own difficult experience, Kenney has the following tips to share with parents and schools.

• Parents, teachers and school administrators need to be well-versed on current school policies and procedures when school starts each fall.
• Parents, teachers and all school administrators need to understand their school and home computer network systems; understand all means of access from home to school.
• Parents should work collaboratively and positively with other parents when they sense a problem brewing; they should model responsible behavior.

Spotting Problems

• Pay close attention to changes in behaviors, be aware of pre-existing behavior patterns.
• Teachers and parents: watch for exclusion, especially of new students, watch and observe cliques at school for signs of bullying.
• Teachers: Observe interactions in classrooms and act as necessary, don’t overlook behavior as “kids being kids.”

Reporting Problems

• Does your school have a Tile IX Coordinator to receive complaints?
• Are reporting forms available for parents and children in age-appropriate language?
• Is there a drop box in an area that is accessible to parents and children throughout the day?
• Know your Department of Education staff and Office of Safe and Healthy Schools teams and what role they have in the public school beforehand.
• When reporting issues, bring another person with you as a note-taker.
  Parents: you can ask your pediatrician or therapist to reach out to the school as well.
• You can request copies of documents in your child’s school file on the incident, and can correct any errors.
• If you need more help than the school can offer, you can contact the Office of Civil Rights for information; they may be able to help.

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Leslye Kenney is the mother of two, she lives in Vermont.

TEACHERS’ DESK | Stop! No Bullies Allowed In Here!
by Nellie Bogar

Cyberbullying has really come to my attention in the last two years. Our program serves a very diverse group of children from all walks of life; it is an ongoing effort to ensure that each child learns to respect him/herself and to respect the various cultures and differences of other children in the program.

Last year, an 11-year-old boy suddenly stopped coming to our program without explaining why to me or to his parents. Several weeks later, some of the other children were quietly (they thought) talking about the boy and said that he had dropped out because another student had started spreading rumors about his sexuality and was forwarding the information via the Internet to other students.

By the time I learned about the situation, the bully had moved to another state and could not be confronted. I called the victim and his mother to discuss the situation and he decided to come back to the program. If I had known sooner, we could have intervened sooner. The message we promote is: always tell a trusted adult as soon as possible when someone is bullying you.

Hiding Behind the Screen

Cyberbullies never have to face the person they’re bullying because it is done anonymously, furtively hidden by a computer screen. We already know that bullies love an audience—a cyberbully gets his or her audience by copying and forwarding his bullying messages to other people.

This method can be much more hurtful than having a bully torment the victim in person because the victim can’t face his tormentor. I emphasize with the kids that bullying is bullying anytime that someone intentionally hurts, humiliates or threatens another person. It doesn’t matter if it’s face-to-face, wireless phone or the Internet.

Our Approach to Reducing Bullying

Our program has several safeguards in place to prevent and respond to cyberbullying and other issues that our students face. We work to keep communication open through weekly “Family Circle” discussions, a private letterbox, and strong relationships with the students.

A “Family Circle” to Foster Trust and Communication
Youth Village has organized a “Family Circle” where we sit on the floor in a circle and discusses various issues, such as tolerance, bullying, dating, dress codes and other matters that are affecting us and our community.

This Circle is somewhat like a round-table discussion that many organizations provide for meetings. It encourages a feeling of connection to others, making the kids more apt to open up and discuss issues that they may have previously thought were unique to them. As they begin to share their individual problems the children see that they have quite a bit in common with each another. Lines of communication open and they realize that we all basically have the same fears and expectations.

This line of communication leads to more open discussions on all subjects—including cultural diversity, academic issues, physical appearance anxieties, and cyberbullying.

A Private Letterbox
Some children might not want to speak out in a public setting. We’ve installed a locked “in-house mailbox” at Youth Village. Children who want to speak privately just write down their concerns and drop it in the mailbox. I, or one of the staff members, check the box daily to see if anyone has any particular concerns we need to address.

As with any problem, open communication is the key. We must all—children and adults—learn to tell someone when we are being threatened, harassed or bullied.

Stop, No Bullies Allowed In Here!
In 2006, Youth Village produced a video about bullying. The focus was on all types of bullying, and the students learned a lot while making the video, which we shared with local schools. You can watch it online at http://www.nelliesyouthvillage.org/.

Nellie’s Tips to Address and Prevent Cyberbullying

Tips for Youth

Speak up. It’s hard and can be embarrassing, but you must tell an adult you trust. Sometimes early intervention can stop a problem from escalating. And we can all learn from each other.

Be careful when e-mailing information to another person. Information can be copied and forwarded by e-mails to any and everyone.

Be careful when someone asks to take your picture. Pictures can also be taken on cell phones without your knowledge, so try not to put yourself in compromising positions in public.

Tips for Teachers: Watch for the Signs

• Teachers should watch out for young people who
• Close their screens when the teacher comes near them
• Sit in groups while on the Internet
• Show a lack of interest in class participation
• Act aggressively
• Hand in missing or incomplete class work or homework

Tips for Parents

Parents should talk to their children and tell them it is not their fault if they’re bullied. They should not act as if its not important or tell their children “don’t worry about it, it will go away.” Cyberbullying is serious and could become dangerous.

Several weeks ago, a child on his way to Youth Village was bullied by another boy. I called the school and reported him, and called his mother at work. The aggressor was a former student at Youth Village who was expelled from our program for aggressive behavior. The school promised to watch out for any further incidents.

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Nellie Bogar is the Executive Director of Youth Village, Inc., an after school and summer program in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. It was created in 1999 to give children ages 6 to 15 a safe place for educational and recreational activities during out-of-school hours.

Learning How to Live With Myself: A Therapist on Cyberbullying (Part 1)
by Julie Guido, LCSW-C

Have you encountered cyberbullying in your work?

Yes, many times in my work as a school therapist, and I’m starting to see it as a parent of a 13-year-old. It has many levels. A message from someone who uses negative humor (who greets you with, “Hey Loser,” for example) can be more painful in the written word and more easily misinterpreted by the receiver. It can then snowball into something else altogether. I’ve also seen boys in school who, by using their own cell phones or computers in libraries even, rally around their girlfriends by trashing another girl’s reputation online or sending threatening IMs or text messages. These boys do this on behalf of the girlfriend who may have an issue with the victim of this bullying behavior. This creates a more anonymous façade for the perpetrator. Somehow using other’s equipment (cellular phones, computers) helps them to feel like they won’t get caught and/or aren’t responsible.

In short, I’ve seen cyberbullying range from something as trivial as ‘that’s insulting and hurtful, but I have enough confidence to turn it off and block you’ to life-changing and devastating.

What should adults know about cyberbullying from a therapeutic perspective?

We have to be aware of the developmental level of young teens. Girls are seeking relationships and a sense of belonging. They have the ability to be quite verbal and very social in their early adolescent years. It is particularly devastating to most of them that people can be cruel.

I have found that, especially in young adolescence, it is the girls who are contacting and engaging boys online more than boys reaching out to other boys or to girls. For boys, it’s important to form relationships, but they don’t have the same advanced social skills yet. Cruelty is equally painful, but they may not feel the need to be connected or IM every five seconds, and they may not spend the same long hours communicating online as girls

Where boys typically build up the pain, and act out in a more overt way, girls are more likely to hide behind cyber walls. It’s very powerful. And it’s something of an equal opportunity thing. Girls who have always been more outgoing and outspoken can continue this in the written form, while girls who have been very shy all their lives now have this tool that lets them be anyone they want to be and act out on the bullies who have treated them badly if they choose. They can also “talk” more with boys, who they may never feel comfortable talking to face to face—which gives the more outgoing girls a run for their money in the relationship department now more than ever.
How can adults help prevent cyberbullying and minimize its impact?

Young teens lack the developmental ability to make good decisions in a lot of situations. They aren’t likely to consider the consequences, and instead are quite now-focused. We need to come up with new and different ways to keep them safe—give them the little road maps they need to make the best decisions possible.

To do that, we as parents and teachers must try to be a partner with teens in this new world. We have to learn from them a good part of the time, and take the time to let them teach us. Communication is critical.

Taking back control is a big theme with perpetrators and victims. How do we help young teenagers do that? It’s different in different circumstances. Sometimes, it may mean supporting them in firmly saying no to the bully, and then turning off the computer. In other cases, it may mean face-to-face mediation by a professional. That requires school involvement and parental support—and teens have to be strong to do that; it is a scary situation and the fallout is uncertain, as they are well aware.

What are some specific responses that you’ve seen work?

A Web-Behavior Contract
Adults must remember that we do have control. Remember, this is a luxury item; teens may need it for research or school, but it is also a privilege. In my house, we’ve created a simple contract that sets out when it’s okay to use the Internet, for how long, and what all of my kid’s pass codes are. There must be clear consequences for not following through depending on whatever the contract might state. We did this together as a family and tailored it to each age group in my home. In other words, each child in my home has their own unique contract.

Empathy and Role-Modeling
Cyberbullies see themselves as anonymous entities who don’t have to be responsible for what they say, and they often don’t have to physically see the emotional and/or physical impact it has on the target person. We must teach kids at a young age that words do have meaning and those words can have huge impact on others, especially the written word without gestures and inflections of the voice to help define these meanings.

Slowing Down the Moment
Teachers and parents can host brainstorm sessions with young teens about what leads to cyberbullying, and what to look for in yourself and others. Start by helping them translate instincts and physical responses into actual feelings. Then put those feelings into words. For example, when reading an IM, a face flush means embarrassment or anger, muscle tension means anger or fear, etc. Being able to identify these physical cues that might indicate when one is getting “sucked into” a conflict can help to resolve it in some way before it gets too difficult and painful. Getting teens to think in this way as it relates to online communication would be a positive step forward.

With older teens, you take it a step further, helping them learn to ask themselves: Where am I going with this exchange? What feelings are triggered by these online responses? How do I see this ending? How do I want it to end? Do I need adult support in this one? Keep in mind we’re asking teens and preteens to be introspective while looking into the future. It is possible. It just doesn’t happen over night and may need to be taught.

Conflict Resolution and Intervention
Since we adults don’t have the advantage of our own childhood experience with the cyber world, we really need to either throw ourselves into becoming “book smart” about it or listen and learn to our kids who are actually living it. In this new era of cyberbullying, we adults may need to go outside of our comfort zones and actively learn where our children are technologically. Intermittently checking to see what sites they are visiting and with whom they are chatting will keep you more in touch with their world. It is equally important that our kids see that we are aware and cyber-savvy—that alone can act as a deterrent to potential cyberbullying for some teens.

Interventions for victims of cyberbullying can range from blocking the bully electronically to contacting the Webmasters of sites where threatening material is posted, to involving the school and seeking therapeutic intervention.

In addition to focusing on the victims of cyberbullying, we should also keep in mind that the perpetrators may be among our own children. Early intervention and swift consequences—typically involving taking away the technology along with efforts to help them experience empathy for the victim—are just a few ways to regain some control if your teen is engaging in any form of cyberbullying. Parents must learn to be okay with giving appropriate consequences to their children. This means allowing children and teens to learn through the discomfort of taking responsibility for inappropriate actions/behaviors that may come with their interactions with others online.

Conflict is a part of life. We need to talk openly about it and equip teens to do the same. If teens realize that they can work through difficult times, they may be more inclined to take a deep breath before acting, or to take positive steps toward a resolution rather than becoming a bully or a victim.

Kids learn best through seeing and doing (for example, interacting through an experience and role-playing potential situations), so we must spend time helping them to understand, on their level, the impact they can have on other people. This is real world stuff—and technology gives us creative tools to help kids open up to learning about these difficult situations while making them more manageable.

Part of conflict resolution means I may not be able to change the other person but this is how I can make healthy decisions toward taking care of myself and living with myself.

In the next issue: Guido shares the story of how one teen rebuilt her life after years of cyberbullying led to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and specific steps for working with cyberbullies.

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Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives with her husband and four children in Pennsylvania.